December 6, 2021

Sometimes after a huge uplevel, it helps me a lot to define my new identity. I’m not the same woman anymore. So I write who I am with awe and wonder… and often time with trepidation.

The rule I have made for myself is there are no rules.
Who I am today is who I am, whether I thought I should be her or not. Whether others think I should be her or not.

Raw, courageous, authentic with myself.

I am a 41 year old woman who has learned non-attached love. Sometimes I scream into my pillow in pain because there is some old wound in me being clawed at as I calibrate to this.

I explore love with an open heart and will eventually find a loving partner to settle down with. This includes loving men who are open to other relationships… and sometimes it hurts like hell… but I calibrate to WHO I WANT TO BE and what love means to me. I allow love to flow without possession to all humans.

I’m cutting edge, soulful, wild, and untamable.

I cry every day. My heart is very tender and I feel the details of everything. I cry over songs, stories, movies… old couples walking together, animals… I cry with joy, awe, and surprise.

I laugh twice as much as I cry. And oftentimes I cry laugh. Sometimes I pee my pants when I do.

I have never been alone since birth until now and I feel lonely a lot. It’s so unfamiliar. I really practice presence in these moments… and I feel excited about all the new space to learn new things.

I write everything. I don’t hide any part of me. I am absolutely unapologetic about my journey and who I am.

I have deep Christian faith whilst also having absolute opposition to some of the controlling and fear-based principles it’s based on. I’m in love with the Christian Spiritual mix I’ve found for myself.

I explore the wild, vast unknown with an open mind… and sometimes my brain falls right out and I feel completely lost because nothing is the same anymore… and I have to find myself as I float around in the galaxy.

I ask every question that I can, no matter how insane or vulnerable it is.

I really don’t enjoy the experience of being around people who talk about how everyone should be a certain way. It hurts my heart and sometimes I feel overwhelmed by the level of work that needs to be done on the planet in order for us to accept each other.

I don’t believe we know anything at all… yet we know everything. Who knows what’s out there? Who knows what happens when we die. How could we ever really pretend to know? Yet, I have a deep, still knowing that I am part of something greater and whatever it is, that God loves me deeply and wants what’s best for me and all.

I am stable and steady more than I’ve ever been before. I value stability and yet continuously require myself to do things I cannot do. I just CAN’T… and I will keep going and going until I can. It’s messy and painful and exciting and liberating. I don’t know anything more wildly liberating than finally becoming who I wanted to be.

I love my kids with my whole heart and will do anything for them, and I also give myself a very free and amazing life. I believe in letting them find independence and I know they are powerful souls here to do powerful work. Who am I to say what that is? I just love them and show them what freedom looks like as I create the most incredible life I’m capable of creating for them.

I feel my way through everything. I give very little weight to my thoughts unless they are curated.
I share openly how I feel or what I desire.

I live in the now. I love LIVE energy, the NOW energy of what is flowing through me.

I give until it triggers me in my business and LOVE that feeling. I have never once regretted it.

I hate politics and the news. I don’t pay any attention to either and likely never will.
I blast music and sing from the top of my lungs every time I experience pain.

I am very easily excitable – everything feels so exciting all the time, there is just so much to experience.

I freeze when someone yells or is violent. I look like a deer in the headlights and tears stream down my face.
I only watch light and sweet movies or shows, and my music is loving and gentle.

I love snuggling with humans, my kids, my girlfriends, and guy friends. There is nothing more beautiful than intimacy.

I’m quite lazy.
I wear sweats and carry a Channel.
I do rape` all day long.
I think plant medicine is beautiful and an absolute gift to humanity.

I can create massive results with very little external effort, it just is natural for me now.

I’ve never been more proud of a transformation I’ve undergone than learning how to LOVE.

mmm.. this feels so good.
TY for witnessing me.
I’d love to hear yours.

m xx

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My Conversation with Thich Nhat Hanh

What?! You mean… compassion for others includes the woman lying and hurting the man I love? It includes compassion for her?
That’s easy for you to say.
You don’t have a wife or kids that you love like I love them.
What’s that you say?
That’s how you love EVERYTHING? All humans? All animals and sentient beings?

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Not My Place To Get Someone To See the “Truth”…

For as long as I can remember I have always felt responsible for helping others see the things that they cannot see… the boyfriend on drugs, the way they are being taken advantage of, the abuse happening…
I have always suffered deeply to see anyone else suffering ESPECIALLY when I can see a way for their suffering to end!
This is what drove me so hard to break out of all of the abuse I was experiencing, go to school for 10 years while working and being a single mother with almost zero child support, start my business and make my first Mill in 2 years… THAT is a lot of drive, and it ALL came from MY WANTING TO END OTHERS SUFFERING.

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What I Resist, I Empower

I see this belief lately that “standing for a world where race & religion do not matter is naive.”
(And abusive)
It’s popped up a number of times in my feed and then once now in my own life.
”It’s exclusive and doesn’t account for all the biases happening today. Anyone who believes this only believes it because they don’t get it. They aren’t the ones experiencing the racism, sexism or etc.”
I understand the basis of this.

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Someone Told Me “You are not as enlightened as you think you are.”

And I wondered what that meant? What an unusual statement?
I realized that there’s a whole entire culture referred to as “woke” which couldn’t possibly believe more differently than my mentors who are considered “enlightened”. Which was she referring to?
And I chuckled.
I’m definitely not either…
Talk about a wild time to exist looking to find your way to a life full of joy and peace!

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Meditation Breakthrough

New one hour meditations….
I’m beginning to see what’s underneath all the crap….
I’m wildly resisting the reality of what’s happening to people and animals in the world… It feels like it cracks my brain and will burry me to accept it.

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I Was Being A Hypocrite

Sometimes we expect people to handle things even better than we are capable of handling them simply because society would agree that’s how it should be handled.
But that’s still hypocrisy…
Just because we can make the best argument for that being how it should have been handled… (womennnnnn lol)

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