It hurts to look myself dead in the eye sometimes.
To witness my shortcomings as a human.
The mistakes I’ve made as a mother that have caused struggle for my children.
The ways I have hurt people.
The ways I have hurt myself.
The ugly things I think, feel and do… STILL.
It hurts deeply… but I know that if I have the courage to truly look at myself NAKED, in the raw, without any stupid arbitrary standards I’m supposed to live up to… I will heal and continue to elevate to more and more freedom.
Because this is MY JOURNEY.
The one MY SOUL chose.
And it is no one else’s.
Of course I have some weird things still inside of me after everything I’ve gone through…
I’m in no rush.
There is no destination.
It’s just me and my life getting to be better and better, moment by moment, choice by choice.
Having the courage to look at any and everything that socially may be deemed horrible.
> NOT MY PROBLEM <
Where they got this standard from? Church, parents, society… none of it has anything to do with me.
It’s a f* miracle that I have joy and peace in my life after all the training that was imprinted on me. And in all the ways I am still reaching for it… I get to own my shit and let healing happen.
> I’ve not taught the best boundaries to my children.
> They have seen me be abused in MANY ways.
> I have betrayed myself 1000 ways.
> Bulimia, binge drinking, toxic behavior, maintaining toxic relationships for a long time.
> Numbing… wasting hours and hours a day.
And?
Of course I did.
I was taught that my experience doesn’t matter and that I didn’t matter. My body didn’t matter… I was exposed to sexual trauma very early and ongoing for many years.
How does one be taught this & experience this for 35 years and then expect to magically have boundaries? lol
But if I can have the courage to face my continued or new awarenesses of failure to hit the mark, no matter what anyone on the f* planet thinks about it… I will be one of the very rare few who continues to find true peace.
Like, actual true f* peace in every area, and I’m right on track. Always have been.
Like the kind of peace where;
I hide nothing.
Love myself deeply.
Feel fully beautiful in every way in my human skin.
Have all the time and $ I desire to live how I desire.
Feel worthy of love.
Feel proud of who I am and how I show up on the planet.
Consistently feel peace of mind, joy and excitement.
I’m genuinely truly FREE of all of the trauma and toxic habits that cause so much pain.
MY SOUL chose this path, to be the one who breaks all this lineal crap and sets us free.
But how could I ever even begin to do that if I am always judging myself for the fkd up things that exist in my world?
I know, I know… we aren’t supposed to talk about this but WHY? Isn’t a denial of reality ridiculous? I mean, isn’t that the true antithesis of LIFE?
What’s true is we chose to come into a time and lineage where there was a lot of sh* and we get to do the work to clean up the mess.
AND IT HURTS, often.
But it’s also a feeling like NOTHING ELSE in the world to be the one who did it. To FEEL true Soul alignment.
Every little tiny breakthrough matters.
Every awakening.
Every fk yes followed.
Every fk no denied.
Every release.
Every truth spoken.
Every boundary set.
Every dream claimed.
Every lesson learned.
Every memory created.
It’s extraordinary.
You are extraordinary.
Every single messy, shameful, disheartening thing is nothing more than evidence of your purpose… it means NOTHING.
And when we can really get that, the evolution we crave will be ours, as a whole.
m xx
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