Dealing With Toxic Relationships

October 17, 2021

It was my own gaping holes that drew in the toxic humans… and only finding my own light got me to stop needing this kind of vibe.

I remember begging myself… “Please Mandy, please choose something else.”

Everyone around me was looking at me like I was so weird for dealing with it. I didn’t understand why I would put up with it either I always felt like… maybe it was me.
Maybe if I was just more loving. More feminine. More perfect… then maybe he would finally be kind to me.
Maybe then he would be the loving, gentle man I longed for.

How do I know? How do I know it’s not my fault?
He says it’s my fault.. what if it is?

Finally, I understood…
This wasn’t something I’d FIGURE out.

I’m the kind of woman who owns my own mistakes.
I’m the kind of woman who is loyal and enduring.
I tend to see people’s greatness and can always find some.
I extend grace easily.

I also have been through loads of big trauma.
I had a familiar setting of abuse.

There was no way I was going to figure this out.

I had to FEEL THIS.
Abuse feels like confusion. Like discombobulation.
Like holding my breath.

It feels like bewilderment.
It feels like I am lost floating around in space.
It feels sad, I want to cry.
It feels angry, I want to scream.
It feels suffocating, I want space.
It feels scary, I want safe arms.

I don’t need to label it.
I don’t need to figure it out or blame anyone.

When it feels like that – it’s a NO for me.

Love feels… safe… exhales… peaceful… clear… joyful… expansive… it may be challenging but it’s never scary.
It’s never bewildering (in a bad way LOL)

It doesn’t matter if it is or isn’t abuse to anyone else, it is to YOU. It is NOT aligned for you.
There is no fault. It’s simply not an energetic match for you.
It’s harming you, and that’s a NO.

If you find yourself in this situation, PLEASE be gentle with yourself.
It takes what it takes for us to FEEL when we are in aggression and harm.
But this is our work… to have the courage to tell ourselves the real truth about how this feels and to feel it.

Judgment of ourselves only keeps the wound open so that we attract more wounded.

Once we feel, we begin to see the hole we were trying to fill and why we were vulnerable to abuse.

And yes, then we get to fill this hole ourselves. INTERNALLY…

We are able to connect to all of creation.
We are never alone.
We are never ever alone.
We are safe.

Humans do not create our stability, the Source does.
Humans do not fulfill us, Source does.
Humans do not love us flawlessly, Source does.

A human can never fill the hole of loneliness that Source, purpose work and friendships are meant to fill collectively.

So we begin our work to connect deeply to Source and Light. Live our purpose. And create soul friends.

We recognize we never needed to be better to be the Light.
We simply needed to follow the guidance inside towards the Light.

And if it’s loud and we have trouble hearing, we ask Source to be VERY LOUD.

Ask for what you need.
We have not because we ask not.


I love you.
You got this.
You are not alone. There is nothing wrong with you.

We are Source, together, and we are with you.

If it feels good to share this message please do so.

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My Conversation with Thich Nhat Hanh

What?! You mean… compassion for others includes the woman lying and hurting the man I love? It includes compassion for her?
That’s easy for you to say.
You don’t have a wife or kids that you love like I love them.
What’s that you say?
That’s how you love EVERYTHING? All humans? All animals and sentient beings?

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Not My Place To Get Someone To See the “Truth”…

For as long as I can remember I have always felt responsible for helping others see the things that they cannot see… the boyfriend on drugs, the way they are being taken advantage of, the abuse happening…
I have always suffered deeply to see anyone else suffering ESPECIALLY when I can see a way for their suffering to end!
This is what drove me so hard to break out of all of the abuse I was experiencing, go to school for 10 years while working and being a single mother with almost zero child support, start my business and make my first Mill in 2 years… THAT is a lot of drive, and it ALL came from MY WANTING TO END OTHERS SUFFERING.

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What I Resist, I Empower

I see this belief lately that “standing for a world where race & religion do not matter is naive.”
(And abusive)
It’s popped up a number of times in my feed and then once now in my own life.
”It’s exclusive and doesn’t account for all the biases happening today. Anyone who believes this only believes it because they don’t get it. They aren’t the ones experiencing the racism, sexism or etc.”
I understand the basis of this.

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Someone Told Me “You are not as enlightened as you think you are.”

And I wondered what that meant? What an unusual statement?
I realized that there’s a whole entire culture referred to as “woke” which couldn’t possibly believe more differently than my mentors who are considered “enlightened”. Which was she referring to?
And I chuckled.
I’m definitely not either…
Talk about a wild time to exist looking to find your way to a life full of joy and peace!

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Meditation Breakthrough

New one hour meditations….
I’m beginning to see what’s underneath all the crap….
I’m wildly resisting the reality of what’s happening to people and animals in the world… It feels like it cracks my brain and will burry me to accept it.

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I Was Being A Hypocrite

Sometimes we expect people to handle things even better than we are capable of handling them simply because society would agree that’s how it should be handled.
But that’s still hypocrisy…
Just because we can make the best argument for that being how it should have been handled… (womennnnnn lol)

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