Dealing With Toxic Relationships

It was my own gaping holes that drew in the toxic humans… and only finding my own light got me to stop needing this kind of vibe.

I remember begging myself… “Please Mandy, please choose something else.”

Everyone around me was looking at me like I was so weird for dealing with it. I didn’t understand why I would put up with it either I always felt like… maybe it was me.
Maybe if I was just more loving. More feminine. More perfect… then maybe he would finally be kind to me.
Maybe then he would be the loving, gentle man I longed for.

How do I know? How do I know it’s not my fault?
He says it’s my fault.. what if it is?

Finally, I understood…
This wasn’t something I’d FIGURE out.

I’m the kind of woman who owns my own mistakes.
I’m the kind of woman who is loyal and enduring.
I tend to see people’s greatness and can always find some.
I extend grace easily.

I also have been through loads of big trauma.
I had a familiar setting of abuse.

There was no way I was going to figure this out.

I had to FEEL THIS.
Abuse feels like confusion. Like discombobulation.
Like holding my breath.

It feels like bewilderment.
It feels like I am lost floating around in space.
It feels sad, I want to cry.
It feels angry, I want to scream.
It feels suffocating, I want space.
It feels scary, I want safe arms.

I don’t need to label it.
I don’t need to figure it out or blame anyone.

When it feels like that – it’s a NO for me.
NO.

Love feels… safe… exhales… peaceful… clear… joyful… expansive… it may be challenging but it’s never scary.
It’s never bewildering (in a bad way LOL)

It doesn’t matter if it is or isn’t abuse to anyone else, it is to YOU. It is NOT aligned for you.
There is no fault. It’s simply not an energetic match for you.
It’s harming you, and that’s a NO.

If you find yourself in this situation, PLEASE be gentle with yourself.
It takes what it takes for us to FEEL when we are in aggression and harm.
But this is our work… to have the courage to tell ourselves the real truth about how this feels and to feel it.

Judgment of ourselves only keeps the wound open so that we attract more wounded.

Once we feel, we begin to see the hole we were trying to fill and why we were vulnerable to abuse.

And yes, then we get to fill this hole ourselves. INTERNALLY…

WE ARE FULL OF LIGHT!!!
We are able to connect to all of creation.
We are never alone.
We are never ever alone.
We are safe.

Humans do not create our stability, the Source does.
Humans do not fulfill us, Source does.
Humans do not love us flawlessly, Source does.

A human can never fill the hole of loneliness that Source, purpose work and friendships are meant to fill collectively.

So we begin our work to connect deeply to Source and Light. Live our purpose. And create soul friends.

We recognize we never needed to be better to be the Light.
We simply needed to follow the guidance inside towards the Light.

And if it’s loud and we have trouble hearing, we ask Source to be VERY LOUD.

Ask for what you need.
We have not because we ask not.

Truly.

I love you.
You got this.
You are not alone. There is nothing wrong with you.

We are Source, together, and we are with you.

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