Trigger warning!
(Personal story of trauma)
I remember telling an adult what he did to me.
I remember being scolded and sent to my room… told I was a “slut… always making men want me.”
The next day I attempted suicide at that young age.
When I woke up in the hospital he was there. “Praying” for me with my family, as if nothing at all had happened.
…
I remember a month later, he was arrested for assaulting someone else.
I remember the feeling of worthlessness, wondering what was so special about her that she got to be so important and I was discarded.
I remember wishing so badly to be more like her… this girl I never even met.
…
I woke up this morning feeling desperate for something but not knowing what.
Yesterday I spoke openly about being assaulted in my bathtub, being left injured and bruised.
And for the first time I told my partner everything that really happened that day, that week, that month.
And this time… for the first time it was like telling what happened to ME… rather than just telling a story of some event that happened from an arbitrary, someone else’s story place.
…
I sat with myself and felt some shame at what I was feeling. I could feel the little girl in me desperate for this to be a big deal. Desperate for the ambulance, the cops, the big deal… the horror and outrage for what happened to me.
”I just told what happened, why isn’t anything different?”
”Why aren’t the cops and ambulance here?
Then it morphed a bit…
I should be at a spa for the weekend.
I should be with my girlfriends loving on me.
I should be in the arms of my lover for 2 days.
I could feel what I was doing.
I was trying to rewrite the ending to a very severe trauma when I was a girl… but I am not that girl.
”What does adult Mandy actually need to finally feel important?”
Worthy to be protected.
Worthy of gentleness and kindness.
Worthy of outrage and fierce, swift boundaries.
My favorite words came back to me: “PAIN IS THE FIRE BURNING AWAY ALL THAT DOESN’T BELONG.”
I sat there trying to feel what I needed.
And decided I would just write and see what came up… this is what’s coming up. I have no idea what will come out of me next…
I am already her.
I have chosen that I am wildly important.
I am speaking the truth about what happened and choosing to take amazing care of myself.
I am powerful and savvy and am tuning into what I truly need. I am wise enough to see myself trying to play out this old story.
I am courageous enough to give myself the time and space I need to let it truly all flow through me.
I couldn’t walk away as a child… and in my first abusive relationship… I believed I couldn’t walk away still… but then I learned I could.
And the second time I walked away infinitely faster… and then I worked my ass off rewiring my brain and then chose a loving, tender man who is outraged by what happened to me.
What if I already have rewritten the entire story with who I choose to BE in my life, and what I choose to allow in my life?
NOW THAT I AM ALREADY HER… the manifestation of absolute value and worth… what would I like to think & feel?
I like to feel…
SPACIOUS.
Safe.
Taken care of.
Joyful.
Peaceful.
Powerful.
Raw. Awake. Empowered.
Nurtured.
Connected.
Blessed. Lucky.
Settled.
Expansive.
Wise.
Butterflies in my belly.
Innocent. Pure. Good.
WHAT I’D LIKE TO THINK:
I am a woman of worth and value.
I am divine and protected… everything that happens in my life is fuel for my true essence to emerge.
I am the kind of woman who always treats others with this level of importance.
I effortlessly make others feel important and valuable.
It wasn’t my fault. None of it was my fault. It’s impossible to be my “fault”.
I am innocent and pure. I am innately good.
I am well taken care of, seen, known and Loved.
I am a powerful source of Love.
I am and always have been worthy of powerful, unending, unyielding Love.
I am the kind of mother who always shows her children how important they are. I am the kind of partner and lover who makes him feel like the most special man in the world, effortlessly. It’s just who I am.
I’m willing to FEEL anything required to continue healing and calibrating. I have all the strength and courage required.
I easily let go and release all wanting to be released.
…
Through this process I’m beginning to see all the ways I have recreated this for my kids. It hurts like a mother fucker to see, and I also know this is how the lineage heals. This is the work. Instead of focusing on my own failure, I am going to focus on gratitude for the ways I am beginning to tune in and awaken to the next level, and how healing this is for my kids and future generations.
Life is so crazy magical.
I am willing to allow the fire to burn away all that doesn’t belong.
I am worthy to feel all that is on the other side of the burn.
It fuels me.
It unlocks creativity and passion.
It is a beautiful, wild journey to FREEDOM.
I love you,
m xx
Learn more with Mandy at MandyPerry.com