How I am Finally Dealing With All My Past Trauma

August 23, 2022

I’ve been taking a deep dive into healing for the very first time… (largely encouraged by my partner, the most loving, caring human I’ve ever done life with).

For many years I resisted deeper healing modalities because I absolutely resisted the idea that “they” have done any damage to me.

It was sneaky defiance that has held me resistant to obvious things, like how my brain actually changed from all the trauma throughout my childhood.

That made me feel “broken” and I wasn’t about to let them mf’s break me… I can see how I arrived there lol.

And to be honest, it created a lot of drive and power in me that served me well to get HERE.

And now that I am here… in a loving healthy relationship, kids safe, financially free, time free, healthy and well, fully supported…

A WHOLE BUNCH OF SUPPRESSED SH* IS COMING UP as I allow it all… and it’s beautiful & scary.

– Therapy
– Spiritual coaching
– Meditating with NewCalm
– Ketamine therapy (begin this week)
– EMDR multiple times daily (and now have begun having the courage to sit and feel the old worst memories and work through them). It’s been a week
– Journaling
– Moong bean soup 3/4 of the day
– Daily sunshine sessions.
– Loads of rest (like a lot)

1. What if I open all this sh* up and I crack again? I’ve cracked once before.
So my therapist took me through that time, when I attempted suicide. I had post pardum, I was dealing with a significant trauma that involved 5 families, all of who were angry with me for being the person to speak up about it. I was improperly medicated (valium) for months and I had a very toxic build-up in my system. I was dealing with a very abusive man.

She said… is that the situation you are now in?
I laughed… “No. Not even almost.”


2. What if I’m just creating more drama by thinking about this crap and feeling it all? What you focus on expands… it seems stupid to do this.

Spiritual mentor: “You have to feel it to heal it.”

It’s NOT feeling it and suppressing it that drove 21 years of full-on bulimia, and all the other numbing coping habits.

It’s also what allowed me to disassociate and allow further abusive humans into my world. (fk this)

This particular resistance comes up often and my partner walks me through it again and again.

3. What if this just drags on forever?
Therapist: We are going to do work on your starting to ask better questions “What if this is the first time my nervous system begins to feel the relief it has been so desperate for?”

4. I feel like life will be boring.
This one often feels strong… but my partner lovingly reminds me of all the epic things we will be doing, and I have been working to imagine how it will feel when I’m not feeling the anxiety and panic I so often feel. It’s almost impossible to imagine, but I’ve been picturing that it might feel like a shrooms micro-dose? lol

5. I don’t know who I am going to be on the other side of this.
Well… welcome to every epic adventure I’ve ever jumped off the cliff for. Idk why this one will be any different.
I WILL BE WHO I MF CHOOSE TO BE – and even more so.
More power and clarity to choose an even deeper alignment.

I can feel the resistance to let go of the chaos I’m so freekin’ used to.

I imagine my higher self. What is she doing?
She’s ALWAYS dancing.
She’s always giddy and frolicking.
She’s always in her creative magic, passion and power.
She’s always holding humanity and her loved ones in her heart with grace and graciousness.

I imagine I’ll be more like her.
Today it all feels fkg hard. Like really hard.
For the very first time I broke down and cried and told my therapist “This is fkg hard.”
I don’t think I’ve ever let myself admit that.
The fears are loud and rapid, and I can see why people without support stay stuck in this loop forever.

Which is why I am sharing everything I can about this journey with you.

My goal is to put my head down and work my ass off like every other thing I’ve chosen in my life.
>> No ranting about why it’s hard, or giving voice and attention to the fears. Recognize them, feel them, and let them go.
>> Spend every moment I can asking powerful questions and powerful epic what if’s
“What if this is the deepest most profound healing of my life that changes the game for humanity because of what I experience?” haha! yeasssss.
>> Stay with the modalities even when it all starts to feel better.
>> Share it all as I go. I feel so much more will when I’m doing it for US rather than just for me.

I love you,
m xx

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