(and my top 4 very direct tips for healing yourself)
I cut my finger through the nail with a knife.
Then my partner didn’t realize it was bad and went to the restroom.
Then I had a panic attack.
I was lying down hyperventilating and bawling.
My finger never even hurt once…
But I had no idea if it was bad or not and the moment I realized he had not noticed and I was alone managing it… I went off the rails.
I breathed, allowed the panic to flow and tuned in.
I saw a flash of when I was a teen and a mirror fell on my head and shattered. It hurt and it scared me deeply. When I got my bearings about me I saw glass sticking out of my arms… and my brothers were laughing and ran off.
I remembered the very moment I realized I was alone and had to face this… and the sorrow I felt.
I remembered telling others I was being molested and no one doing anything. It continued.
I remembered the feeling of facing life alone.
Facing motherhood alone.
And I felt my body absolutely go into a total panic at the thought I might ever live that again.
There it was. Just under the surface.
I allowed myself to feel the fears.
Am I too much for him?
Am I moving too fast?
Did I make him feel overwhelmed and not notice?
I like that I check myself. I ask and let my body answer. I let Soul lead me.
I like that I own my ish.
I GROW RAPIDLY THIS WAY.
I could see small areas I could improve, and I also knew this has nothing to do with him not noticing my injury.
I felt the deep fear of doing hard things all alone again come up. It came in waves.
And I was reminded of what I learned in my very first aya ceremony. I’M NEVER ALONE. Everyone can just be humans and I can be physically alone and I am the least alone I could ever be.
I have the power to walk through anything. Always have. And I am ALL. And ALL is with me, always.
I then felt how the kids get hurt all the time and sometimes I say, “you ok?” with no real attention. I felt their sadness. I felt my sadness.
And I felt myself grow.
It was safe to face the fear of losing Gregg.
It was safe to accept all his love and care.
It was safe even if I did lose it, because I am ALL.
And it’s best to get down on eye level with my kids and make sure they are ok.
If I don’t have more to give (which is often why I don’t do it to begin with, then adjust my world so that I have the capacity to, without self-judgment. Trusting that there is always space and time for my needs.
Tips for self-healing:
> Do whatever it takes for you to be able to be present with yourself. Hire the person. Fire the person. Walk away. Boundaries, etc.
> Track with yourself every day.
> STOP JUDGING YOURSELF for all the times you are triggered!!!! We are here to heal our lineage and this is how we do it. Let it be messy af and choose a powerful meaning.
> Do it with us. Alone sucks.
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