(and cultivate the most extraordinary and intimate sensations of life on command…)
“I’m feeling held back. Suffocated. Like I am an adult playing in the sandbox with the toddlers” I said to my Spiritual Mentor.
I could see the resonance in her face as always.
She knew what I meant even when I had no clue what was causing this feeling.
“I feel like only 20% of me gets to play. Like the other part of me isn’t recognized. I feel this in so many areas of my life, and the places I feel part of me are fully recognized aren’t healthy or aligned for me. None of this makes any fkg sense.”
As she spoke into my life… it all became so clear.
So infinitely clear…
Still, even as a teacher and healer of soul alignment work… STILL, I was reacting and responding in many areas of my life rather than TRUE RADICALLY ALIGNMENT AND EXPRESSION.
I was blaming the space around me for holding me back lol. (I know I know… Imagine this. I am wildly human…)
In a way I was on track… it WAS in fact what was around me that was holding me back – just not how I thought… because in my infancy of evolution I still was waiting to see things in the physical, experience them in the physical in order to FEEL IT as real.
I was so certain if I go off and meditate, walk out my spiritual practices in maturity and consistency… I’d be BORED AF, and feel alone.
I’d BE alone.
Because this inner world, this world of magic of frequencies – the quantum… just doesn’t feel the same as my lover in my arms.
I didn’t feel the same awe in wonder as I did looking at the sunset.
I didn’t feel the same excitement as I did when I had an $80k day.
I didn’t feel known and loved the way I did when someone truly SEES me and reflects my greatness back to me.
And I felt STIFLED BY THIS.
I felt like a caged animal…
“Omg… my cage isn’t people, places, and things around me… my cage is forcing myself to only experience through the physical.”
She grinned and nodded at me.
I saw the excitement in her eyes as she realized I was finally ready to come to play in the ethers lol.
I had heard this 10000 times but IT NEVER FELT the same…
And since it doesn’t FEEL like your lover in your arms to connect with Source… it felt like it would be LONELY to do so.
So for so long, I had avoided deeper spiritual practices consistently, like meditation.
“There is a whole force of collaborators around you just waiting for your permission. Tell them what you desire!”
“Well, hey collaborators… I really need you to help me FEEL you, FEEL Oneness, FEEL the connection to everything. I need help desiring meditation and to release the fear of loneliness.”
THIS WAS A JOURNEY OF CULTIVATING THE FEELINGS I DESIRED TO EXPERIENCE OUTSIDE OF ME… INSIDE OF ME!!!!
I mean, it’s so easy to say but to REALLY DO THIS?
To feel the very same thing you feel when you feel sexual chemistry with your lover WHILE ALONE?
To feel the awe fluttering through your body when you see a rainbow and hear the birds awakening?
To feel the same feeling of safety when you see his eyes full of love for you?
“I don’t know if I can do that. I mean… that feels REALLY hard.”
“Let’s try,” she said.
I’ve never ever wanted anything more than to FEEL… TO TRULY FEEL CONNECTED TO ALL.
SO I agreed.
The goal was to feel all my sexual and sensual desire for my lover and direct it to God. Whatever form I desired God to be.
I had old triggers of religious language that still pinged me.
I felt confused about what God was, certainly not the guy floating around in the clouds sending people to hell… but what? Source undeniably exists.
I felt strange directing sexual passion energy TOWARDS God…? lol
But… as I spoke out loud and just attempted to cultivate these feelings inside, all of a sudden I got a flicker of the feeling of his arms around me.
I felt the very same feeling of sexual desire… one of the most powerful forces on the planet… literally driving the existence of humanity… and it felt deeply loving… it felt like awe, wonder, excitement… I felt seen, known, desired…
What the magical fk. lol
All I ever had to do was try.
It was always meant to connect me to Source.
>> It is Source frequency and we are life itself. <<
All day I basked in this awakening.
This feeling of being able to feel the vast connection to all AT ALL TIMES.
This was always meant to be cultivated INTERNALLY, and drive a connection to all.
How are we not told this?
We spend all of our time trying so desperately to control our physical so we can finally FEEL what we want to feel.
We wait for lovers, numb ourselves, binge Netflix, drink, overeat, overspend, on and on…
All because no one taught us EVERY SINGLE THING WE HAVE EVER BEEN MEANT TO FEEL… we are meant to cultivate within and hold as a frequency and BRING IT TO the physical plane.
I mean, we really are meant to BRING IT FORTH.
I feel I do not even almost have the words to point in the direction of this power correctly, but what I have I offer to you.
I hope this awakens the desire to CONNECT to SOURCE more deeply than before… because… BLISS. That’s why.
And the words awakened inside of me:
“Our yearnings are not earthly, they are Spiritual, and meant to be cultivated and met.”
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