(And how my lover expanded exponentially to hold the space as I kicked and screamed…. It’s no small feat to hold space for an angry & powerful woman…)
I have been working through the reality of this physical world…
My physical body and its wellness and fitness matter. A LOT. How I do human matters, a lot.
When I was young some trauma happened and I disassociated with my body pretty fiercely.
I simply made the body not matter so that they couldn’t hurt me anymore. The beatings, the shame, the assaults…. If it didn’t matter to me – you can’t hurt me.
The other day a girl at the gym gave me a dirty look.
I assumed it wasn’t for me…. (Me?! No. Never lol)
Then she did it again, then looked at my boyfriend then back at me with a look of “if I want your man I can have him.”
This event turned into a very vulnerable, very hard conversation between Gregg and me.
How does he feel about my body?
Is he longing for anything he’s not getting from me?
Why was this woman giving me these looks and letting me know it was about him?
How much was he “looking”?
Is it ok to look at other sexy women?
Where is the line?
Why would he want to look?
Am I not enough? Is this just a cultural habit?
Is this a thing or not a thing?
Is it innocent?
Is he ok with me doing the same?
What do we want?
How do we feel?
What’s our vision?
What feels right for US?
To hear the man you love tell you he loves every ounce of you and also…… is glad I’m continuing to work out with him and he looks forward to my being more fit HURT LIKE A BICHHHH.
BUT I ASKED FOR THE DEEPEST TRUTH HE COULD GIVE…. (I’m not the kind of girl who wants to hear what sounds good.)
IT STILL HURT LIKE A MF.
Having some woman do that so blatantly because there had been an energetic exchange with Gregg hurt like a bichhhhh too.
And I threw a fit.
A full-sized, heaven and earth-shaking FIT.
I cried about it all- how am I stuck in a world where this physical fitness thing matters so much?!
GET ME THE FK OFF THIS PLANET!
The waves just came and came and I felt the pain, allowed it all…. And held nothing back.
Nothing.
And as I raged I began to see so much more….
This was a moment to prove I believed it was all for me.
It was a moment for me to prove I believed I was loved and taken care of.
It was a moment for me to believe I was enough.
It was a mf moment if there ever was one….
And what a blessing it has been.
I felt all the pain.
I felt my resistance to the reality that our physical is wildly important.
I cried, yelled, and fell apart….. until I had the courage to step. Again. Again. Again.
Accept this reality of society.
Accept this reality of Gregg’s.
Accept what it means to be human in a body.
Accept truth. Deep, raw, wide-open truth.
Feel all the feeling of not being where I need to be physically and exhaling.
It’s ok.
I’m ok.
I’m ok.
I’m ok.
It’s all working out for my good.
Over the next days, I cried oceans.
Memories began to come up.
Remembering walking downstairs when I was 12 and my mother accusing me of wearing no bra to try to seduce my father and brother right in front of them. (Wtf moment)
Sexual assaults.
Beatings.
Remembering the moment I turned it all off.
This has been one of the most profound awakenings I’ve ever been through, and that’s saying A LOT.
For the FIRST TIME since I was 12 I actually saw my body. I saw what unwellness was, what average health was, and what prime health was physically.
I saw the pride people had in their fit bodies, and the shame people had in their not fit bodies. And I saw those shut off like me.
I saw my track of health and wellness and that of my family.
I felt the utter disconnection from any visual physical in my own self. Absolute shut down, and I TURNED IT THE FK BACK ON.
It hurt.
It made me angry af that I went through all I went through.
I was angry at those who let people abuse me.
I was angry at those who abused me.
And my loving, gentle, and wildly brave lover who dared to go into the dark space with me – held the space like the healer and warrior he is.
He got help from mentors, learned the words, and held me. Even in his own anxiety about having such a deep and transparent conversation he grew, strengthened, and held me in his gentle strength.
And when I tell you I kicked and screamed, just remember who I am to imagine what kind of wild storm that created.
But I woke up.
I let out 40 years of suppressed pain.
I screamed through it all and found myself.
He found a new level of integrity and ROSE.
He strengthened in his masculine power.
And he found a new depth of love to give.
My power rose.
His healer stirred…..
And for the first time ever- I understood what a soulmate truly is, and why most people will never experience the bliss I experience every single day with him…. Because with bliss comes the pain. And without the right perception and support, there’s no way we are getting to that next space of healing.
This is the work I’m here to do with humans, and it’s what gives me the strength to walk myself through, again, again, again.
And on the other side – our love was deeper, stronger, and more true.
And I felt it… I was in. All the way in.
When it’s easy I’ll send more gratitude than I thought was possible, and create magical memories for life.
When it’s hard, I’ll prove I’m worthy of epic, extraordinary love.
Either way, I’m in.
m xx
Learn more with Mandy at MandyPerry.com