Love Without Attachment

November 15, 2021

(Love isn’t what I thought it was at all)

I always thought love was reciprocal… it was this feeling of affection and need.
I love YOU. I love… I feel an attachment to you because I know you. I want the best for you. Because you know me and love me too.

But I always wondered how people can be so present for me & others.
How can they be focused on others? What is THAT kind of love? Why are they so different than me, and why are they so FEW?

I had so many needs and questions and have always tried so hard to fix me and everyone I love, and make everything better.

So how can I fix everything and also be so present for others all the time?

Phase 1- I learned that I have to feel whole in order to do that. Self-validation, healing… etc.

But that didn’t change this need I had to seek and fix.

This led me to a HUGE awakening…
I realized that all of that was attachment, not LOVE.
Attachment is an inhibition to LOVE. It is standing in the way of LOVE.

We mistake attachment for love.
“I can’t live without you.”
“I live for my kids.”
It is possessive.

Really we are saying, I’m so attached to you I can’t live without you. (And I need you to be who I need you to be so that I can keep feeling this feeling, which leaves very little room for giving.)
It’s self-serving, self-centered.
What am I getting or what do I stand to lose?

Most people have only ever experienced attachment and have never experienced the fullness of LOVE.

LOVE is very different. It comes from within and is projected out.
What can I give?
What can I share?
What can I offer?
What can I do for you?
(Not what I can I do for you so that I can get something in return.)

LOVE is actually about giving.

Full love isn’t contained. It flows.
It has no walls, no place to stay. It doesn’t belong anywhere. Not with our lover, not with our family or kids.

Love doesn’t seek to possess anything or anyone.

We think this because we think we need that human in order to feel love. This is what causes the attachment. We desire to feel LOVE so we make rules for those around us – we try to possess them and control them with our ideas. We create fantasies about how they should act and be so we can feel this powerful love feeling.

But this isn’t love, this is attachment.

I have seen unhealthy giving… coming from a place of lack and need. I have experienced needing a lot in order to feel ok.

This is something very different.
This is being attuned to LOVE from within, and allowing the love to flow.

This is a powerful spiritual transformation, and it HURTS like hell to grow through. It has for me anyway.

It’s becoming aware of what lies underneath the attachment… which requires the ability to feel all the feelings that come to the surface, keep our hearts open, and see what’s underneath. The fears, the stories. And then feel all of those too. The shame or embarrassment or what have you that tries to bombard you as you see the deeper truths.

Nothing has ever required more strength and will in my entire life than this evolution. I have cried every day for months just allowing it all to begin to flow without cutting it off.

Example: Something a lover does hurts deeply… I used to just cut them off for a bit.
React, close my heart. Pull away, run away.

Now I stay, with my heart open, and feel it. Breathe. And allow myself to see what lies beneath the pain. They didn’t cause me any pain… MY story did.

I’m no longer afraid of the pain.
I’m no longer in the illusion that running away from it all – is strength lol.

Say I feel pain because I had a subtle fantasy we would have something that isn’t the current reality; it’s not who they are or not what is happening.
I get to be curious why I made up this fantasy rather than having been present to reality.

Or say my child isn’t being who I think would best serve them to be.
Or my business isn’t going the way I made up it should feel successful.
Or a family member is making choices that cause them to suffer.

I get to recognize my own control. My own distortion.
I get to admit my desires.
To give myself what I need.
I get to take aligned action based on reality.

Never once needing anyone else to be anything other than what they are.

And from THIS space… I can LOVE.
For now it comes with a lot of pain and tears… but I finally understand what LOVE is, and how to LOVE.

I am no longer captive to distortion, reactions, and a closed heart. I am free to LOVE.
And maybe… one day soon… the pain and tears will flow less and the gratitude and the feeling of LOVE increase.

There’s a lot of rewiring that needs to happen for this to be the more common way of being.

Mantras that help me LOVE with non-attachment:
> Nothing lasts forever. Nothing is permanent. Everything changes.
> ANYTHING is possible!
> I’ve got all these jobs but only ever do one at a time.
> I let the emotions flow and then I STAND BACK UP.
> I am going through painful feelings but I WANT TO BE HERE, doing this work.

m xx

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My Conversation with Thich Nhat Hanh

What?! You mean… compassion for others includes the woman lying and hurting the man I love? It includes compassion for her?
That’s easy for you to say.
You don’t have a wife or kids that you love like I love them.
What’s that you say?
That’s how you love EVERYTHING? All humans? All animals and sentient beings?

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This is what drove me so hard to break out of all of the abuse I was experiencing, go to school for 10 years while working and being a single mother with almost zero child support, start my business and make my first Mill in 2 years… THAT is a lot of drive, and it ALL came from MY WANTING TO END OTHERS SUFFERING.

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(And abusive)
It’s popped up a number of times in my feed and then once now in my own life.
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I understand the basis of this.

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I realized that there’s a whole entire culture referred to as “woke” which couldn’t possibly believe more differently than my mentors who are considered “enlightened”. Which was she referring to?
And I chuckled.
I’m definitely not either…
Talk about a wild time to exist looking to find your way to a life full of joy and peace!

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New one hour meditations….
I’m beginning to see what’s underneath all the crap….
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Sometimes we expect people to handle things even better than we are capable of handling them simply because society would agree that’s how it should be handled.
But that’s still hypocrisy…
Just because we can make the best argument for that being how it should have been handled… (womennnnnn lol)

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