Setting: Guatemala @ the home of Jayaji and Hayley, two magical and extraordinary humans along with some of my closest soul friends.
I went into the first ceremony with a migraine and was very tired from all of my travel. Idk that I recommend this, but I also feel like it made no difference.
I’m going to be really candid…
My first experience was absolute hell. Truly hell. If hell existed, I was there. I was puking it up for 6 hours.
The first cup I felt nothing.
(It tasted like Worcestershire sauce)
The second cup I felt waves of nausea. Intense nausea and not much else.
I was very reluctant to take the third cup. I felt certain I’d just feel all that nausea again. And that’s exactly what happened only it got a lot more intense.
“OMG this is how people die at these things. They aren’t paying
attention. They don’t get it. I’m NOT OK. I’m not ok. I’m not ok.”
This went on for a couple of hours.
I was trying to figure out how to find a dr here.
I was trying to figure out why no one could see I wasn’t ok.
Trying to figure out how to stop this.
I was in a deep dark hole… feeling very alone.
After going over every single scenario of how to be rescued I realized there was no way. Nothing. I was either going to die or somehow bear this unbearable pain… alone.
The greatest suffering of it all was the feeling that I wasn’t seen. I wasn’t taken care of. I wasn’t loved. Here I was suffering so profoundly and yet no one saw me. I was so confused… so sad. So alone.
And then… it all hit me, in a big huge ah-ha.
THIS WAS SO FAMILIAR.
SO SO SO FREAKIN’ FAMILIAR.
I’m not ok.
This isn’t ok.
This isn’t ok.
Something is wrong.
Why does no one see that I’m not ok?
I need to cover every base to come up with an escape plan.
Why am I not lovable like everyone else around me?
Why don’t they care?
I felt this when I was molested as a child.
I felt this when I told adults in my life and they did nothing.
I felt this when I was physically abused.
I felt this when I was being told I was possessed by the devil at church and they could see the devil in my eyes.
I felt this in the Marine Corps when the men in charge assaulted me.
I felt this when I was a single mother and he refused to help financially.
I felt this when he kept taking all of the money.
During a moment of trauma as a child, I learned to twist my mind to accept the moments that aren’t ok.
To ignore my own scream for help.
No one was going to help.
And they could keep beating, touching, twisting me.
And that pattern was still there.
The deep longing to be rescued was still there.
And I hadn’t realized it.. but I was still waiting for someone to show me they loved me enough to rescue me…
I was still stuck in the trauma loop of believing I didn’t have the power to change the circumstance. I had to find a way to bear it. Life would just always be this way.
IT WASN’T OK.
I WASN’T OK.
WHY DOESN’T ANYONE SEE ME.
I NEED SOMEONE TO RESCUE ME.
I CAN’T CHANGE THIS.
I HAVE TO SUCK THIS UP ALONE.
I AM ALONE.
I HAVE NO CONTROL.
Even now, this morning as I sit in the beautiful sunshine on the volcano looking over Lake Atitlan I feel the ashes of this pain. This story that was born 35 years ago.
So, after hours of nausea and vomiting, believing I was going to die because no one could see me… no one would ever rescue me and I had no power… I could see it all plain as day. And I asked myself… what if this isn’t true, it’s just familiar? So fkg familiar.
If that wasn’t true… what was?
If I was surrounded by love, I was seen and held and this isn’t what it
seemed… what is true then?
And all of these moments in my life where I was trapped and being abused, the moments that weren’t ok… the people who didn’t help me all flashed before my eyes and I could see it.
I had to give up my power then… but this is not then. I am no longer a child. I didn’t need to be rescued. I was far from alone.
And what I found was that I needed to recognize that taking my power back in this moment didn’t mean I would forever be unattended to, unloved, dismissed. It didn’t make what happened ok. It didn’t mean I would be the only love that came my way forever.
Soothing myself and taking my power back didn’t mean that I was unlovable and had to do it because no one else would.
That in fact, to be the woman who rescues myself, who chooses to be in my power for myself opens a pathway for others to love me.
It creates a powerful, healed version of me that magnetizes other powerful & healed humans who have love to give.
After this dark night of the soul… I found myself dancing and feeling a lightness I had never felt before. I felt a world where I have the power to know I am ok, everything is ok and no one needs to rescue me.
I felt a new opening to be loved.
I understood this medicine and knew I was ready for round two… now that this opening was there.
I simply had to believe that creating my own magic, safety, and giving myself what I needed did not mean always being alone. It was exactly the opposite. It made me a magnet for love.
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