Why I’m Never Embarrassed About The F** Up Things In My Life…

August 9, 2022

Trigger warning!
(And why I feel worthy to lead and receive ANYWAYS)

A lot of people see me online and feel like. “Oh, this must be so easy for you Mandy.”

I know because they tell me they think that lol…

Let’s look at real life over the last 3 years…
> Moving to a new state and then realizing I wanted a divorce with no friends or family around.
> Turning 40 and going from 5 of us to just me alone for half the month.
> Leaving all my mentors and cool girls crew to find something more.
> All travel stopping (covid)
> Feeling extreme loneliness and confusion in this phase.
> Every penny gone in the divorce.
> Credit being ruined.
> Crying myself to sleep through the dating process, only to choose yet another toxic relationship because I wanted to learn femininity and sensuality thinking it was my best option.
> Being physically assaulted and harassed, drowned in a bathtub.
> Dealing with my daughter cutting and feeling suicidal after the move and divorce.
> Dealing with my son not engaging in life, feeling anxious & depressed himself, and not leaving his bedroom.
> Walking myself through a toxic breakup for a year- going back on anti-anxieties and anti-depressants.

You would never know this is going on if I didn’t tell you because I don’t act like most people would have gone through these things.

I’m f* proud of myself.
I was a girl on welfare, drinking and cycling bulimia, meds and abuse non-stop.
I BROKE THAT MOTHER FUCKING CYCLE of self-abusive bulimia.

Of not believing I deserved better.
Of learning what true safety with a masculine looks like.
Of actually truly not choosing abusive men, and learn to STAND UP for myself, set boundaries and attract kindness, gentleness and generosity.
Of learning how to feel safe without chaos so I can tune into my kids more.

Yesterday I found the book I was holding when my ex-partner tried to drown me in the tub, injuring my neck and leaving bruises all over me.

I threw it in my backpack (I was moving clothes to my new home) and thought “fuck him, I’m going to read this like it means nothing.”

As I got into the car with my partner I felt terrible having it in the car with this gentle, loving, extraordinary man. I just felt the difference in my experience between the two men, and wanted it out of the car.

I really wasn’t fully aware of what was all happening just impulses. I got out of the car and threw it in the recycle bin and left.

When I got home I asked Gregg if we could just snuggle for a minute. When he wrapped his arms around me I cried and cried. I had no idea what I was crying about. I told him how it was just the energy of the house… remembering how much we suffered there over the last 3 years trying to adjust to a new state, the divorce and all the new huge changes.

Today I had a session with my therapist and told her how I woke up really anxious for no reason at all. Somehow it all began to unravel about the book. And she said this to me… “Mandy… being drowned in a tub is a HUGE deal. My clients who have been through tons of trauma go through horrible things and just think… “Oh just another thing”, but it doesn’t make it any less horrible. You need to allow yourself to acknowledge what happened and heal.

That felt true.
It was just another thing in a long lifetime of things.

It’s not that I fake my joy or inspiration online when I am going through really hard things in life.
I simply have always locked into how far I am getting.

> How I asked for the divorce. Even though I let him take everything just to finally get him to sign. Still… it was a step.
> How I dared to learn how to be in my feminine, albeit learned it with a very abusive partner… still… was one more step.
> How I dared to acknowledge he was very abusive. Sure embarrassed that I chose this again but still… was able to say it out loud just one year in (not 14 lol) One more step.
> How I did whatever the fk it took to get out of it. Sure, I had to go back on meds to get through and definitely felt like I was going to die… but still ONE MORE STEP.
> How I learned how to calm down enough to truly tune into my kids to a new level…

On and on this goes.
I am always finding and celebrating the one more step no matter how fucked up it is or isn’t.
I don’t let myself get embarrassed about what I walk myself through because it’s all very predictable.

I grew up being molested and assaulted by over 20 people.
I grew up being beaten physically.
I grew up in poverty.
I grew up being told I was just a stupid blond with big tits.
I grew up with zero boundaries what so ever.
I grew up being told all that matters was not going to hell.

How predictable is it that I would stay in an abusive relationship for a long time?
How predictable is it that I would struggle with not continuing to choose abusive partners?
How predictable is it that I wouldn’t know how to hold onto the money that I learned how to allow into my world and would let myself get taken advantage of?
How predictable is it that my kids would struggle with anxiety given that they were with me walking myself out of these hells?

It’s all so freakin’ predictable.
So why would I beat myself up?
Why would I be embarrassed about my story or the fact that I am a powerful female leader online with a very successful life and story, and was still dealing with all of these things in life.

The story is just getting started.
I am just getting warmed up.

Today I have an amazing loving partner and we heal each other every single day. He has gone through horrible abuse himself and alike me, grows and heals and steps into his power more and more every single day. We are so madly in love with each other and our life that we just cry tears of joy. And tears of fear of losing something so magical and special.

Today my son is out of his bedroom, with much less anxiety and learning how to budget and stay on track for a successful life.

Today my daughter is lit up, in Jits competitions and in a new private school for kids like her who are brilliant and expressed.

Today my business is organized and stable, globally reaching tens of thousands of souls and bringing joy to my life every single day.

And it’s also true that yesterday I found the book I was reading when my ex tried to drown me and lost my footing for a moment. Saw that this shit’s not over, I still have healing to do, still have shit to acknowledge… that I still can sometimes ignore things and suppress them- Act out and get anxious not knowing why.

And who fucking cares… because I am always, always taking ONE MORE STEP, and nothing else matters. WHAT ELSE IS THERE?
It is the journey, not the destination.
I am creating my dream life every single moment of every single day and where I currently am at matters NONE.

I fully accept all of the crazy, the horrible, the magic and the wonderous.

I’m the kind of woman who if people were watching on a screen… would want to coach with me because of WHO I AM on the back end that no one sees, and that carries me, brings certainty and confidence to the table for me and allows a lot of power to flow through me.

What if….
the very thing you think if anyone knew this about you is the very thing we would all admire about you. No matter how fucked up you think it is.
How predictable is it given your story?
And can we have a little patience and kindness for ourselves walking this out?
Can we lock into how we have always and always will be the kind of person to just take ONE MORE STEP.

And how might it feel if you dare to keep openly dreaming your dreams, stumbling, breaking, healing, rejoicing and calibrating?

How might it feel if the whole world knew your deepest secrets and still fucking loved you anyways. Likely, even more.

I stand for a world where who we are, what we believe, what we are experiencing, choosing and feeling ARE ALL ABSOLUTELY OK. 100% perfectly ok, and allowed, on the way to where we are going.

100% of you is allowed. #theend

I love you,
M xx

Learn more with Mandy at MandyPerry.com

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What’s that you say?
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