I’m learning to allow myself to have BOTH, the man who provides for me and my own wealth…
So… I always held the frequency that I always make more money. The end… and so I did.
I held the frequency that I make it rapidly. Like makes-no-sense rapidly. And so I did. I went from my first month coaching making $4k to $40k the next month. I never did $10k months.
And I simply kept increasing from there until I had an $82k DAY.
And this all made sense to me in my own little world. lol
I surrounded myself with others doing the same.
UNTIL… one day I found myself in a very painful and uncomfortable place… without recognizing what was happening.
I met Gregg and I had essentially lived the last year off of all the built-up payment plans… and it was now starting to decrease… $60k months… $50k… $40… $30…
And every time I went to go do my magic I just froze.
I didn’t want to.
The burst of endless energy wasn’t there.
And I remembered what my mama had taught me.
God gives you the grace to do what he asks you to do.
When it’s removed HE removed it.
Obviously, I had a major temper tantrum about this… I was so confused. “OK GOD… IF YOU AREN’T GOING TO PROVIDE FOR ME FINANCIALLY THEN WHAT?!”
I mean I was completely pissed!
HE ALWAYS provided for me. ALWAYS.
I’ll never forget Gregg coming alongside me asking me if he could help financially. I was horrified lol. Exactly ZERO part of me was ok with that. It was completely unfamiliar… and felt like a trap. One I wanted nothing to do with.
I don’t remember exactly but I’m sure I gave a very sharp reply at the time… and explained that that’s not how manifestation works and not how I work. LOL (omg this is a bit embarrassing to recount lol)
So 2-3 months later… same thing happening… $20k months… still no YES in my body to go manifest it. To go create it. NOTHING can interfere with manifesting $. NOTHING.
YET something clearly was. I was lost.
….
The second time he asked me I said yes while I bawled. He just held me. This man knew something I did not.
He knew what it was to PROVIDE for a woman.
He knew what it meant to HOLD her in his provisions.
He knew what it was to PROTECT her from her own self-sufficiency.
But I knew nothing of this.
It was so friggin unfamiliar to my entire system that I couldn’t see God was answering my prayers.
I could ONLY SEE the answer if it was something familiar.
If my business produces a shocking amount of money out of nowhere.
If checks came in the mail in the amounts of hundreds of thousands from the craziest stories.
Refunds.
Free things.
A MAN PROVIDING FOR ME?
The only association I had with that was “trapped”… he will use it to gain power over me and manipulate me.
God was healing me and I was putting up the FIGHT OF MY LIFE. lol
…
And ONLY Source could have created such magic for Gregg and I.
Gregg had only known providing without being shown any gratitude for it and being taken advantage of through it.
I had only known someone wanting power over me or using me for my provisions.
And just like that… 1 mile away from each other… God brought us together and we began to heal.
He was asking me to BE PROVIDED for by a man with a pure heart who loves me.
And he was asking Gregg to provide for a woman who would endlessly appreciate his efforts… and would use the provisions to grow and heal rather than use them for superficial advancements.
WOHHHHHHH.
Who would have thought that we COULD BOTH heal from this major change in both of our lives. I mean Gregg was already providing almost 6 figures for his CS and alimony. To take on this responsibility must have felt almost crippling. Yet he said yes to his guidance without pause. AND I REALLY MEAN WITHOUT PAUSE.
It has taken time for him to trust in GOD and not just himself to provide… and he’s still working on the energy of trust VS do… but that’s what MY ALLOWING HIM TO PROVIDE did FOR HIM. It brought him closer to God.
And that’s what me allowing him to provide for me did for me… it deeply and profoundly healed parts of me I never knew were broken.
And this lesson has changed me forever.
GOD’S WILL FIRST. always.
Because my BEST and brightest… most savvy thinking falls so insanely short of God’s brilliance. God’s never-ending LOVE that comes in the exact form needed… RIGHT ON TIME, always.
Deep inside I desired to feel like a valuable woman… who a loving and SAFE… powerful man wanted to take care of.
I would NEVER experience that while fighting to self-provide.
I needed the season of not being able to in order to break my stubbornness.
It always makes perfect sense looking back lol.
So today… I ask myself… what deep longing am I pretending doesn’t exist while I focus on getting the thing I think will make me feel how I want to feel?
I let go of every single thing I think I need and go within.
Who do I feel called to be?
How do I long to FEEL?
And then I say YES to however God wants to create that.
Whewwwww!!!!
I feel utter relief at how much drama I will now avoid HAHAHAHA. And now I get to have BOTH. Ahhhh!
I love you.
m