Protecting through self-sabotage in health????

Protecting through self-sabotage in health????

Jan 13, 2025 | Divine Health

This morning I prayed for restoration in my health… and full exposing of all holding me back. I declared it as I woke up in pain from sitting yesterday creating all day.

I felt an even deeper birth of knowing that my words hold all the power needed to heal. Deeper and deeper we go into God’s power.

And just like that within the hour – all of a sudden I could see the mischief playing out. From the sexual assaults in my life to being drowned in the tub and men being obsessed with me… to being told harm should come to me so I would lose weight… full circle trauma.

I could all of a sudden see how I’d chosen to protect myself through making sure I wasn’t too desirable. How reconnecting with my body in a way of powerful self-care in this physical way felt like letting them all win.

Gotcha!
Lies lies lies.
They currently still feel VERY true but I can see it plain as day, they’re not.

I cried and let it all out and started journaling…

> What am I afraid will happen if I focus on my health and body now?
> What would feel unsafe about embracing fitness consistently?
> What do I need to feel safe and loved as I take small steps forward?

I am reclaiming my rights to divine health after so many years of trauma.
I’m claiming my x7 back everything that was taken from me.

Say it with me:
I am done letting fear run the show. Fear has tried to protect me, but it’s been lying to me. It told me I wasn’t safe in my body, but that’s not true –
I am safe in my body. My body is my home. My body is mine. It’s not here for anyone else to judge, harm, or objectify.

Fear told me that if I let go, I’d lose myself, but I see now that holding onto fear has only kept me small. Letting go doesn’t make me weaker – it makes me stronger. I can release fear and still hold my power. I can let go of the lies and still stay safe.

I don’t need fear to protect me anymore. I have wisdom now. I have strength now. I have boundaries now. I trust myself to see clearly and to take care of myself.

Fear told me that focusing on my body would make me vain, shallow, or disconnected from God, but that’s a lie. My body is a sacred gift. It’s not separate from my spirit – it’s an expression of it. Taking care of my body doesn’t pull me away from my path – it helps me walk it with energy, strength, and joy.

Fear told me I couldn’t trust myself. That if I became too radiant, too alive, too magnetic, I’d lose control. But that’s not true either. My beauty, my radiance, my magnetism – they are MINE. They don’t make me vulnerable; they make me powerful. I am the one who decides who gets to access my energy, my light, my presence.

Fear told me that if I heal, if I let go, then the people who hurt me win. But I see now that holding onto pain doesn’t protect me – it chains me to the past. Letting go is not giving in. Letting go is freedom. Letting go is my way of saying, ‘You don’t get to control me anymore’.

I am safe. I am whole. I am free to move, to heal, to thrive. Fear doesn’t get to define me anymore. I define me. And I say that I am worthy of peace. I am worthy of energy. I am worthy of vitality. I am worthy of love.

I am not what happened to me. I am not what was said to me. I am not the lies fear tried to sell me. I am power. I am healing. I am everything I need to be right here, right now, and I am only getting stronger.

And
So
It
Is

Longing to serve

Longing to serve

Jan 10, 2025 | Spiritual Growth

I long to serve with every ounce of my strength…

I yearn to LOVE in a way that is free of self-preference and self-preservation.

…. And that takes physical, emotional and spiritual strength.

It means eating well.
It means working out daily.
It means strong relentless boundaries with toxic people.
It means praying and protecting myself every morning before I pray for others.

… facing the toxic vanity culture we live in and choosing to not participate.

It means standing beside powerful, extraordinary humans and not comparing.

… choosing to train my children so we have a peaceful family life.
… keeping my commitments.
… and doing what I can now, today, this moment.

It means going the extra mile in my own home.
The extra mile taking care of myself…
My family.
My home.
My personal space.
And my partner.

It means shifting from trying to get everyone on my timeline and getting on theirs.
It means looking for opportunities to help.
It means seeing them in their greatness and endlessly reflecting it back to them.

IT MEANS NO COMPLAINING.
No going into the fear.
No giving into the temptation that promises relief… and gives chaos.

It means to get still.
Listen.
And obey.

It means remembering every waking second that my true strength comes from God… and doing my best to align my powerful WILL to God’s as I walk.

It means remembering that LOVE is the teacher, not me.
It’s remembering LOVE is a verb.
It’s remembering that being able to LOVE is an incredible honor and gift that brings deep joy in the end.

And every day I see myself strengthen in this new way just a little.
And a little bit more.
And a little bit more.

It’s a dream come true.

Wealth desires & God desires: what’s the truth behind it all?

Wealth desires & God desires: what’s the truth behind it all?

Jan 9, 2025 | Spiritual Growth

Are our desires ego-driven shallowness????
Are they God’s guidance?
Am I meant to be led by them? To deny them????

HERE IS THE MAGIC I’VE COME TO UNDERSTAND ABOUT THEM…

“I trust my desires are right.”
We begin here. RIGHT HERE is where this adventure begins.

And I do… I truly trust my desires are RIGHT desires now… and it’s like a 1000 lb weight lifted off of me.

But of course God would activate a desire in me. What a perfectly brilliant way to communicate to us. No? What else would a loving Source itself use but the joy of the life force of desire to activate us humans?

But when I look back at some of my desires like looks and Chanel bags and other silly things… I question if I was off base with God’s will?

How could that be in alignment with God’s will? Shouldn’t I question my desires? Aren’t these some self-absorbed, superficial desires? Didn’t it mean I needed validation to some degree somewhere inside? Isn’t that OFF?

No. Not even close.
My desires were never wrong… I simply have outgrown myself again and again and again until old desires feel silly.

They weren’t silly at the time… they were PERFECT.
How do I know they were perfect?
Because they got me to the place where that part of my ego died and I no longer had any attachment to them… which then opened space to LOVE & serve even more.

I will never question my deep soul’s longings again. Never.
I will stop looking back feeling like I should have been THEN… the way I desire to be NOW.

How absurd.
As if we are all supposed to be in the exact same place of our journey all desiring the same thing. Lol

That’s literal nonsense.
It’s absurd even.

We sit around waiting for proof it’s what God wants us to do… yet the inkling to do so IS the answer. The desire to experience it IS the answer.

It’s already perfect.
And it doesn’t have to make sense to some arbitrary standard someone else in a different place has set.
Some societal standard.

If I had followed the societal standard of not caring about wealth and all the wealthy things… I’d NEVER have had the chance to outgrow the validation I needed to let go of the “welfare” Mandy.

I’d still feel like that stuff would make me more valuable. Buying $20k worth of Chanel bags was invaluable because they became as important to me as my favorite Walmart backpack.

That desire was EXACTLY perfect as only the Source of all life could know…

So we drop all absurd judgment of ourselves and others.

We stay out of the sacred place between a soul and its maker and we get still and hear our own deep yearnings, longings and promptings….
Superficial things awaken people all the time.
Deep powerful soul shifts knock people out of the game all the time.

We’re ridiculous with our petty judgments OF OURSELVES in this journey.

Say it with me:
I trust my desires.
I trust my longings.
I trust I am led in the perfect way with the perfect desires and longings.

I TRUST THEY ARE RIGHT.
I TRUST I AM RIGHT.
I TRUST GOD IS RIGHT.
I TRUST this process of trust.

I love you.
I know this takes heaps of courage… lucky for you… that’s no problem.

~ m

Freedom in grieving

Freedom in grieving

Jan 9, 2025 | Spiritual Growth

Sometimes I just grieve.
Grieve the broken families.
The kids suffering.
The loss of innocence in our culture.
I feel it so deep in my bones…

And I let myself feel it all and cry, ache and break.

And I feel the deepest yearning I’ve ever felt inside… wishing I could create a safe space for everyone… an INNOCENT place for everyone.

And I wonder… what’s the point of this?
And I’ve spent many years sitting with this and studying those who have found peace with it all.

And yesterday in my yearning I realized….
>mind blown<

The enlightened masters did just that.
They either created a massive awakening or a safe place of innocence and peace! (or both)

I now understand where that drive came from… and then I feel so soooo inadequate. So small. So clueless.

And I know I’m not the only one daydreaming of taking their kids to the country where they can run the land and connect with God away from tiktoc and all the insanity imprinting.

But THIS place right here… this is it.
THIS is the place where we decide.
This is where we sub come to the pain and desperation or we decide we’re going to bring God’s light in our own mind and energy field, in our home, in our relationships and in the world.

And there are no prerequisites.
There are no disqualifications.

Every single thought I think that causes me to feel that desperation is a lie from evil. Our own ego, maya or the satanic force, and the collective influence that has grown.

I either opt in or I do not.
I can grieve and acknowledge I have a story that it should all be different, more innocent and whole… and I can feel my feelings and remind myself of the truth.

And “the truth shall set you free”
Which means…….. I find the truth by finding what thoughts bring FREEDOM. NOT THE REVERSE.

I don’t have to go find freedom.
I ACKNOWLEDGE IT.

And everything else is just mischief.
So… today I will allow myself to grieve and tell myself the truth about what lies I’ve been buying into… and face it all….

BUT I CHOOSE FREEDOM.
I feel.
I tell the whole truth.
I acknowledge the BS that feels like confusion and death.
I then decide…
and it is my decision alone to wallow and believe it’s all too much, too horrible and too big… I can believe the thoughts…

OR I CAN ACKNOWLEDGE FREEDOM… by telling a deeper truth that only my spirit can feel. My SOUL directs my brain… not the other way around.

There’s zero scenario where my brain is smarter and gets it all better than SOURCE. lol

So…. I choose freedom.
Again.
Again.
Again.
Again…….

And I’ll never stop rewiring my brain to get on board.
I’ll never stop facing the lies and calling them out.
I’ll never stop reaching for freedom, life and like-minded humans that are here to do God’s work.

And I’ll never ever, EVER believe the lie that I can’t make a difference through God’s power.

Say it with me:
“I’m here to be a reflection of God’s love and there’s zero chance my brain will ever stop me. I now declare and decree perfect alignment with my original design! Thank you God for molding me to be a perfect reflection of you in every area of my life… no matter what it takes.”

And so it is.

Letting go of the chase for awakening

Letting go of the chase for awakening

Nov 15, 2024 | Spiritual Growth

I’ve recently had the most unnerving realization.
It’s one I’ve never ever heard anyone speak of… and it’s been a very strange feeling to navigate.

Through some extreme circumstances… I had 2 major spiritual awakenings. I didn’t know what was happening at the time but there is nothing else I know to call it but that.

And in these awakenings, I was also led to a spiritual practice that just keeps the floodgates open. I really could see the pathway to awakening. I could see the environment needed, the habits needed, and the incredible discipline needed. I could feel the call to let it allllllllll go. (You know what I mean ya?)

Eating sattvic helped.
Peace and quiet around me helped.
Stillness helped.

And I walked this path deeply for 2 years.
Until one moment it all changed.

I prayed often that God would remove anything that didn’t belong in my life that wasn’t his will… a scary prayer. But I meant it.

Maybe it would be money? Maybe Gregg? Maybe my free schedule? It was an open prayer and all was on the chopping block.

But I could have NEVER anticipated what came next.
Never.

It all of a sudden was the most obvious thing in the world lol.

I was asked to let go of the “awakening” search.
I was asked to eat meat again to ground.
I was asked to keep up with daily demands more powerfully.
I was asked to speak from the heart online again.
I was asked to “come back down to earth” and do everything with excellence.

I realized that figuring out how to awaken was great but that I don’t have a monk’s life… I have a lot of amazing people in my world who need me to be grounded, on point and strong… not flowing around in the ethers.

At first, I was sad. I thought it was so stupid lol.
Do all this to finally understand then let it go?! Whattttttt?!

And then a wave of love came over me.
I choose love. That’s all this is.
The lure of unending joy and no more suffering was loud. And in the seeking I found it more and more and more.

And now it’s time to serve fully and wholeheartedly again.

The blunt realization:
I’m a mother & a fiance in a world full of abuse and toxic people. I’m an initiator and an activator.

I can see the need for my grounded, overflowing presence which is different than my floating self.

I choose to actively love rather than chase the next levels of awakening.

And just like that, love wins and I realized there was no loss at all. That was the illusion.