Letting go of the chase for awakening

I’ve recently had the most unnerving realization.
It’s one I’ve never ever heard anyone speak of… and it’s been a very strange feeling to navigate.

Through some extreme circumstances… I had 2 major spiritual awakenings. I didn’t know what was happening at the time but there is nothing else I know to call it but that.

And in these awakenings, I was also led to a spiritual practice that just keeps the floodgates open. I really could see the pathway to awakening. I could see the environment needed, the habits needed, and the incredible discipline needed. I could feel the call to let it allllllllll go. (You know what I mean ya?)

Eating sattvic helped.
Peace and quiet around me helped.
Stillness helped.

And I walked this path deeply for 2 years.
Until one moment it all changed.

I prayed often that God would remove anything that didn’t belong in my life that wasn’t his will… a scary prayer. But I meant it.

Maybe it would be money? Maybe Gregg? Maybe my free schedule? It was an open prayer and all was on the chopping block.

But I could have NEVER anticipated what came next.
Never.

It all of a sudden was the most obvious thing in the world lol.

I was asked to let go of the “awakening” search.
I was asked to eat meat again to ground.
I was asked to keep up with daily demands more powerfully.
I was asked to speak from the heart online again.
I was asked to “come back down to earth” and do everything with excellence.

I realized that figuring out how to awaken was great but that I don’t have a monk’s life… I have a lot of amazing people in my world who need me to be grounded, on point and strong… not flowing around in the ethers.

At first, I was sad. I thought it was so stupid lol.
Do all this to finally understand then let it go?! Whattttttt?!

And then a wave of love came over me.
I choose love. That’s all this is.
The lure of unending joy and no more suffering was loud. And in the seeking I found it more and more and more.

And now it’s time to serve fully and wholeheartedly again.

The blunt realization:
I’m a mother & a fiance in a world full of abuse and toxic people. I’m an initiator and an activator.

I can see the need for my grounded, overflowing presence which is different than my floating self.

I choose to actively love rather than chase the next levels of awakening.

And just like that, love wins and I realized there was no loss at all. That was the illusion.