Protecting through self-sabotage in health????

Protecting through self-sabotage in health????

Jan 13, 2025 | Divine Health

This morning I prayed for restoration in my health… and full exposing of all holding me back. I declared it as I woke up in pain from sitting yesterday creating all day.

I felt an even deeper birth of knowing that my words hold all the power needed to heal. Deeper and deeper we go into God’s power.

And just like that within the hour – all of a sudden I could see the mischief playing out. From the sexual assaults in my life to being drowned in the tub and men being obsessed with me… to being told harm should come to me so I would lose weight… full circle trauma.

I could all of a sudden see how I’d chosen to protect myself through making sure I wasn’t too desirable. How reconnecting with my body in a way of powerful self-care in this physical way felt like letting them all win.

Gotcha!
Lies lies lies.
They currently still feel VERY true but I can see it plain as day, they’re not.

I cried and let it all out and started journaling…

> What am I afraid will happen if I focus on my health and body now?
> What would feel unsafe about embracing fitness consistently?
> What do I need to feel safe and loved as I take small steps forward?

I am reclaiming my rights to divine health after so many years of trauma.
I’m claiming my x7 back everything that was taken from me.

Say it with me:
I am done letting fear run the show. Fear has tried to protect me, but it’s been lying to me. It told me I wasn’t safe in my body, but that’s not true –
I am safe in my body. My body is my home. My body is mine. It’s not here for anyone else to judge, harm, or objectify.

Fear told me that if I let go, I’d lose myself, but I see now that holding onto fear has only kept me small. Letting go doesn’t make me weaker – it makes me stronger. I can release fear and still hold my power. I can let go of the lies and still stay safe.

I don’t need fear to protect me anymore. I have wisdom now. I have strength now. I have boundaries now. I trust myself to see clearly and to take care of myself.

Fear told me that focusing on my body would make me vain, shallow, or disconnected from God, but that’s a lie. My body is a sacred gift. It’s not separate from my spirit – it’s an expression of it. Taking care of my body doesn’t pull me away from my path – it helps me walk it with energy, strength, and joy.

Fear told me I couldn’t trust myself. That if I became too radiant, too alive, too magnetic, I’d lose control. But that’s not true either. My beauty, my radiance, my magnetism – they are MINE. They don’t make me vulnerable; they make me powerful. I am the one who decides who gets to access my energy, my light, my presence.

Fear told me that if I heal, if I let go, then the people who hurt me win. But I see now that holding onto pain doesn’t protect me – it chains me to the past. Letting go is not giving in. Letting go is freedom. Letting go is my way of saying, ‘You don’t get to control me anymore’.

I am safe. I am whole. I am free to move, to heal, to thrive. Fear doesn’t get to define me anymore. I define me. And I say that I am worthy of peace. I am worthy of energy. I am worthy of vitality. I am worthy of love.

I am not what happened to me. I am not what was said to me. I am not the lies fear tried to sell me. I am power. I am healing. I am everything I need to be right here, right now, and I am only getting stronger.

And
So
It
Is

Claiming restoration

Claiming restoration

Jan 9, 2025 | Abundance mindset

I declare that full RESTORATION in every area of my life is already done.

I do not beg, I do not plead, I do not hope…I KNOW.
I know it is done. I know everything that felt lost, delayed, or taken has already been restored to me, multiplied beyond what I could imagine. There is no room for doubt. I release the need to see it first, because I know that creation begins in the unseen, and it is already moving into form.

I am not separate from the Source that restores all things. The desires in my heart are not random – they are divine impulses, God’s way of showing me what is already mine. What I long for is already unfolding because my soul is aligned with God’s will. My restoration is not coming someday – it exists now. I stand in it, I breathe it in, I move as if it is here because it is here.

There is no lack. There is no limitation. There is no delay. What was taken is returned tenfold. What was broken is made whole. What was empty is now overflowing. Every cell in my body, every relationship in my life, every dream in my heart is being made new. The work is done, the path is clear, and I trust the process completely.

I do not dwell on what I see, because I know there is a greater reality moving through me and for me. I refuse to believe that any moment of my life was wasted – not one moment. Everything has been a preparation. Every challenge has refined me. Every delay has served me. Nothing was lost, and nothing can be lost because all of it is part of the restoration unfolding in perfect time.

I walk with boldness now. I walk with confidence. I walk as though it is already done, because it is. I am no longer bound by fear, hesitation, or overthinking. I refuse to entertain thoughts of “what if” or “too late” because those are illusions, and I live in truth. The truth is that I am already restored. The truth is that what I desire – healing, peace, joy, love, abundance – is already complete. It is here. It is done.

I feel it in my body. I feel it activates in my nervous system. My breath steadies as I declare: I am made new. I am restored. My life is overflowing with goodness in ways beyond what I can comprehend. My mind is clear, my spirit is strong, and my heart is full. I trust God’s timing, and I trust God’s plan because it has never failed me. Not once.

What I thought was lost has been found.
What I thought was delayed has been perfectly aligned.
What I thought was broken has been reborn into something far more beautiful than before.

I step forward in faith, knowing that restoration is already my reality. My health is restored. My purpose is restored. My family, my joy, my energy, my peace, my abundance – already restored.

There is no waiting.
I no longer question.
I no longer fight.
I declare it.
I receive it.
I live it.
I AM IT.

It is done. And so it is.

Freedom in grieving

Freedom in grieving

Jan 9, 2025 | Spiritual Growth

Sometimes I just grieve.
Grieve the broken families.
The kids suffering.
The loss of innocence in our culture.
I feel it so deep in my bones…

And I let myself feel it all and cry, ache and break.

And I feel the deepest yearning I’ve ever felt inside… wishing I could create a safe space for everyone… an INNOCENT place for everyone.

And I wonder… what’s the point of this?
And I’ve spent many years sitting with this and studying those who have found peace with it all.

And yesterday in my yearning I realized….
>mind blown<

The enlightened masters did just that.
They either created a massive awakening or a safe place of innocence and peace! (or both)

I now understand where that drive came from… and then I feel so soooo inadequate. So small. So clueless.

And I know I’m not the only one daydreaming of taking their kids to the country where they can run the land and connect with God away from tiktoc and all the insanity imprinting.

But THIS place right here… this is it.
THIS is the place where we decide.
This is where we sub come to the pain and desperation or we decide we’re going to bring God’s light in our own mind and energy field, in our home, in our relationships and in the world.

And there are no prerequisites.
There are no disqualifications.

Every single thought I think that causes me to feel that desperation is a lie from evil. Our own ego, maya or the satanic force, and the collective influence that has grown.

I either opt in or I do not.
I can grieve and acknowledge I have a story that it should all be different, more innocent and whole… and I can feel my feelings and remind myself of the truth.

And “the truth shall set you free”
Which means…….. I find the truth by finding what thoughts bring FREEDOM. NOT THE REVERSE.

I don’t have to go find freedom.
I ACKNOWLEDGE IT.

And everything else is just mischief.
So… today I will allow myself to grieve and tell myself the truth about what lies I’ve been buying into… and face it all….

BUT I CHOOSE FREEDOM.
I feel.
I tell the whole truth.
I acknowledge the BS that feels like confusion and death.
I then decide…
and it is my decision alone to wallow and believe it’s all too much, too horrible and too big… I can believe the thoughts…

OR I CAN ACKNOWLEDGE FREEDOM… by telling a deeper truth that only my spirit can feel. My SOUL directs my brain… not the other way around.

There’s zero scenario where my brain is smarter and gets it all better than SOURCE. lol

So…. I choose freedom.
Again.
Again.
Again.
Again…….

And I’ll never stop rewiring my brain to get on board.
I’ll never stop facing the lies and calling them out.
I’ll never stop reaching for freedom, life and like-minded humans that are here to do God’s work.

And I’ll never ever, EVER believe the lie that I can’t make a difference through God’s power.

Say it with me:
“I’m here to be a reflection of God’s love and there’s zero chance my brain will ever stop me. I now declare and decree perfect alignment with my original design! Thank you God for molding me to be a perfect reflection of you in every area of my life… no matter what it takes.”

And so it is.

Letting go of the chase for awakening

Letting go of the chase for awakening

Nov 15, 2024 | Spiritual Growth

I’ve recently had the most unnerving realization.
It’s one I’ve never ever heard anyone speak of… and it’s been a very strange feeling to navigate.

Through some extreme circumstances… I had 2 major spiritual awakenings. I didn’t know what was happening at the time but there is nothing else I know to call it but that.

And in these awakenings, I was also led to a spiritual practice that just keeps the floodgates open. I really could see the pathway to awakening. I could see the environment needed, the habits needed, and the incredible discipline needed. I could feel the call to let it allllllllll go. (You know what I mean ya?)

Eating sattvic helped.
Peace and quiet around me helped.
Stillness helped.

And I walked this path deeply for 2 years.
Until one moment it all changed.

I prayed often that God would remove anything that didn’t belong in my life that wasn’t his will… a scary prayer. But I meant it.

Maybe it would be money? Maybe Gregg? Maybe my free schedule? It was an open prayer and all was on the chopping block.

But I could have NEVER anticipated what came next.
Never.

It all of a sudden was the most obvious thing in the world lol.

I was asked to let go of the “awakening” search.
I was asked to eat meat again to ground.
I was asked to keep up with daily demands more powerfully.
I was asked to speak from the heart online again.
I was asked to “come back down to earth” and do everything with excellence.

I realized that figuring out how to awaken was great but that I don’t have a monk’s life… I have a lot of amazing people in my world who need me to be grounded, on point and strong… not flowing around in the ethers.

At first, I was sad. I thought it was so stupid lol.
Do all this to finally understand then let it go?! Whattttttt?!

And then a wave of love came over me.
I choose love. That’s all this is.
The lure of unending joy and no more suffering was loud. And in the seeking I found it more and more and more.

And now it’s time to serve fully and wholeheartedly again.

The blunt realization:
I’m a mother & a fiance in a world full of abuse and toxic people. I’m an initiator and an activator.

I can see the need for my grounded, overflowing presence which is different than my floating self.

I choose to actively love rather than chase the next levels of awakening.

And just like that, love wins and I realized there was no loss at all. That was the illusion.

6 insights to aligning MY will with GOD’S will…

6 insights to aligning MY will with GOD’S will…

Nov 4, 2024 | Spiritual Growth

Most of the time what I feel God is asking me to do feels ridiculous…

It’s just true.
My learned brain knows everything (according to itself lol) and always knows what’s best… except… that is of course, the complete ridiculousness when I stay conscious.

Quit this job and start your own business… come again? (I was a nanny)
Launch this course about power… (say what?)
Hire this coach who drives you insane… (really though?)
Stop. (what? Now? You realize how hard I worked to get here ya)
Be still. (Oh comeeee onnnnnnnn #adhd lol)

In the season I’ve been in for 2 years… I often sense God asking me to look at something directly with eyes wide open… no matter how much I want NOT to see it.

But on top of it I felt led to do nothing but be willing to face it. Face my own history. Face the abuse happening. Face the corruption in our country. Face the effects of not staying conscious in my own world…

And it’s been hard. Really freekin hard.
But it’s also been incredibly healing as I piece by piece accept that I am not the all-powerful fixer of this world lol. (woohoooo!)

In the manifestation spiritual world… we are. We are oh so powerful and here to change the world… And we are. We are the divine spark of GOD, infinitely connected.

Except… it’s a little baby awakening in our human race… and we’ve got a lot of spiritual growing to do.

As I finally learned to let go of all of the teachings and imprinting from the wealth and boss babe world… I could feel all of the questions I had asked along the way as the exact guidance I was asking of others… when I was meant to go within.

They didn’t have the answers as they were caught up in the “I want” manifestations… and in this world… we truly are SELF-FOCUSED. And we feel it. We feel something is not quite right with it… and we will continue to see an awakening of this over the coming years.

My heart is a bit sad that this is what we taught the younger women who now live for likes and the next million… but I also trust the process. Again and again, I must let go of what I think it should be and allow myself to be still and listen.

Sure, we are powerful. I can move mountains with my sheer will and have many times… but it’s all for nothing if we can’t be still and listen to the still voice inside. It’s all truly for vanity & ego if we won’t be led. And being led feels like peace.

So I sit this morning… hundreds of mornings… asking myself… Where have I gotten caught up in my own self?
In the stillness what do I hear? What do I feel led to?

1. If we aren’t getting still and silent we are definitely caught up in self. THE END. Zero exceptions.
(In meditation, I ask God to guide me. Rather than thinking through my question, I sit in silence and observe what feelings or insights arise. Answers from God often feel peaceful and clear, even if they’re subtle.)

2. I LET IT GO. Full surrender.
I can test my selfishness by choosing to let it go and tell God that if this is not Divine will I’m willing to surrender it. This includes relationships, desires, ideas, truths… everything.
“If this is Your will, let it come to pass. If not, I trust that something better is meant for me.”
When I resist this, and can’t fully mean it in my heart and soul… I know I’m in self.

3. Align my WILL with God’s will…
When I feel strongly about a direction, I ask if it uplifts me toward higher love, compassion, and service. If so, I use my willpower with the intention of serving as a channel for divine energy, making my actions an offering to God.
(This was very challenging until I learned that my INTENTION & awareness is what matters here.)

4. Trust Divine timing…
Yogananda said: “Those who are willing to surrender everything to God will find that He works for them in a much better way than they could plan for themselves.” I remind myself of this often… and I find it to be WILDLY TRUE. I’m fully aware of the chaos I create when I do things in my NOW timing… #notavailable

5. Use JOY & PEACE as markers for being on track…
ok ok ok… I feel this must be said… the MANIC HIGH of doing a bunch of impulsive things is NOT joy… lol. Joy is sustained. It is NOT circumstantial.
I know that true alignment with God’s will brings joy and peace. If a path or decision feels right, it comes with a sense of lightness and joy in my body, even if it’s challenging. VS paths driven by ego that bring anxiety, frustration, or conflict.
Before pursuing a goal, I check in with myself: “Does this choice bring inner joy, peace, and expansion, or does it cause inner conflict?” If it brings joy, it’s likely aligned with God’s will.

6. Make LOVE the center of every action:
This one is a life-long process eh?
The ultimate purpose of life is to love and serve God in all beings… So pursuits that center on LOVE, compassion, and selflessness are usually aligned with divine will. And we can check for that easily if we are truthful to ourselves.
Do my goals reflect love or service?
If my intentions uplift others and bring out my highest qualities, they are likely aligned with God’s will.

Say it with me:
“I am a vessel of divine love and purpose, guided by God’s wisdom in every step I take.”
“I release all attachment to outcomes, trusting fully in God’s perfect timing and plan for my life.”
“With each breath, I choose stillness & I align my will with God’s will, allowing divine consciousness to flow through me.”

Love, m