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I long to serve with every ounce of my strength…
I yearn to LOVE in a way that is free of self-preference and self-preservation.
…. And that takes physical, emotional and spiritual strength.
It means eating well.
It means working out daily.
It means strong relentless boundaries with toxic people.
It means praying and protecting myself every morning before I pray for others.
Are our desires ego-driven shallowness????
Are they God’s guidance?
Am I meant to be led by them? To deny them????
HERE IS THE MAGIC I’VE COME TO UNDERSTAND ABOUT THEM…
“I trust my desires are right.”
We begin here. RIGHT HERE is where this adventure begins.
And I do… I truly trust my desires are RIGHT desires now… and it’s like a 1000 lb weight lifted off of me.
Sometimes I just grieve.
Grieve the broken families.
The kids suffering.
The loss of innocence in our culture.
I feel it so deep in my bones…
And I let myself feel it all and cry, ache and break.
And I feel the deepest yearning I’ve ever felt inside… wishing I could create a safe space for everyone… an INNOCENT place for everyone.
I’ve recently had the most unnerving realization.
It’s one I’ve never ever heard anyone speak of… and it’s been a very strange feeling to navigate.
Through some extreme circumstances… I had 2 major spiritual awakenings. I didn’t know what was happening at the time but there is nothing else I know to call it but that.
And in these awakenings, I was also led to a spiritual practice that just keeps the floodgates open. I really could see the pathway to awakening.
Most of the time what I feel God is asking me to do feels ridiculous…
It’s just true.
My learned brain knows everything (according to itself lol) and always knows what’s best… except… that is of course, the complete ridiculousness when I stay conscious.
Quit this job and start your own business… come again? (I was a nanny)
Launch this course about power… (say what?)
Hire this coach who drives you insane… (really though?)
Stop. (what? Now? You realize how hard I worked to get here ya)
Be still. (Oh comeeee onnnnnnnn #adhd lol)
Recently I’ve been manifesting outgrowing the toxic parts of my ego… and man, I had no idea how incredibly liberating and painful that journey would be.
For those who have been following… you know I’ve been stuck on this quite for a of couple years now… “I did not come to teach you. I came to love you and love will teach you.”
Obviously as an online teacher and coach that stopped me right in my tracks… and has been a never-ending source of description to the world I lived in…
Then I got feedback from the family that I press too hard.
I have felt profound unworthiness every time I tried to feel God’s presence… and sit in meditation…
And to my surprise… I realized that UNWORTHINESS is nothing but ego.
It is simply more self-focus.
“I’m this. I did this. I didn’t accomplish that.” Yada yadda.
And each time I remind myself of this quote: “Instead of focusing on our flaws… focus on God’s Love.”
I’ve always wished that I could be more graceful in my journey…
Neater. More linear. Less messy.
Less drastic changes.
And sometimes I really feel like something is wrong with me when I see my peers being the same. Same. Same. 10 years later… the same.
And… through this I’ve come to embrace the craziness as I realize that it is this way because I outgrow myself 100x a year.
Like most of you, I come from a long line of trauma.
I can’t believe I get to do this whole human thing…
I mean… what were the chances I’d be able to be born a human and do this?????
What an incredible gift!
I’m so blessed that I can’t even begin to comprehend it…
I choose to feel God’s love pouring through my veins.
I choose to feel the UNENDINGNESS of the LOVE… the countless ways I am loved… the extraordinary possibility of drawing nearer to this LOVE… ahhhh!