awareness Archives - Page 2 of 2

Freedom in grieving

Jan 9, 2025 | Spiritual Growth

Sometimes I just grieve.
Grieve the broken families.
The kids suffering.
The loss of innocence in our culture.
I feel it so deep in my bones…

And I let myself feel it all and cry, ache and break.

And I feel the deepest yearning I’ve ever felt inside… wishing I could create a safe space for everyone… an INNOCENT place for everyone.

And I wonder… what’s the point of this?
And I’ve spent many years sitting with this and studying those who have found peace with it all.

And yesterday in my yearning I realized….
>mind blown<

The enlightened masters did just that.
They either created a massive awakening or a safe place of innocence and peace! (or both)

I now understand where that drive came from… and then I feel so soooo inadequate. So small. So clueless.

And I know I’m not the only one daydreaming of taking their kids to the country where they can run the land and connect with God away from tiktoc and all the insanity imprinting.

But THIS place right here… this is it.
THIS is the place where we decide.
This is where we sub come to the pain and desperation or we decide we’re going to bring God’s light in our own mind and energy field, in our home, in our relationships and in the world.

And there are no prerequisites.
There are no disqualifications.

Every single thought I think that causes me to feel that desperation is a lie from evil. Our own ego, maya or the satanic force, and the collective influence that has grown.

I either opt in or I do not.
I can grieve and acknowledge I have a story that it should all be different, more innocent and whole… and I can feel my feelings and remind myself of the truth.

And “the truth shall set you free”
Which means…….. I find the truth by finding what thoughts bring FREEDOM. NOT THE REVERSE.

I don’t have to go find freedom.
I ACKNOWLEDGE IT.

And everything else is just mischief.
So… today I will allow myself to grieve and tell myself the truth about what lies I’ve been buying into… and face it all….

BUT I CHOOSE FREEDOM.
I feel.
I tell the whole truth.
I acknowledge the BS that feels like confusion and death.
I then decide…
and it is my decision alone to wallow and believe it’s all too much, too horrible and too big… I can believe the thoughts…

OR I CAN ACKNOWLEDGE FREEDOM… by telling a deeper truth that only my spirit can feel. My SOUL directs my brain… not the other way around.

There’s zero scenario where my brain is smarter and gets it all better than SOURCE. lol

So…. I choose freedom.
Again.
Again.
Again.
Again…….

And I’ll never stop rewiring my brain to get on board.
I’ll never stop facing the lies and calling them out.
I’ll never stop reaching for freedom, life and like-minded humans that are here to do God’s work.

And I’ll never ever, EVER believe the lie that I can’t make a difference through God’s power.

Say it with me:
“I’m here to be a reflection of God’s love and there’s zero chance my brain will ever stop me. I now declare and decree perfect alignment with my original design! Thank you God for molding me to be a perfect reflection of you in every area of my life… no matter what it takes.”

And so it is.

Manifesting a man to provide for me…

Dec 5, 2024 | Abundance mindset

I’m learning to allow myself to have BOTH, the man who provides for me and my own wealth…

So… I always held the frequency that I always make more money. The end… and so I did.

I held the frequency that I make it rapidly. Like makes-no-sense rapidly. And so I did. I went from my first month coaching making $4k to $40k the next month. I never did $10k months.
And I simply kept increasing from there until I had an $82k DAY.

And this all made sense to me in my own little world. lol
I surrounded myself with others doing the same.

UNTIL… one day I found myself in a very painful and uncomfortable place… without recognizing what was happening.

I met Gregg and I had essentially lived the last year off of all the built-up payment plans… and it was now starting to decrease… $60k months… $50k… $40… $30…

And every time I went to go do my magic I just froze.
I didn’t want to.
The burst of endless energy wasn’t there.

And I remembered what my mama had taught me.
God gives you the grace to do what he asks you to do.
When it’s removed HE removed it.

Obviously, I had a major temper tantrum about this… I was so confused. “OK GOD… IF YOU AREN’T GOING TO PROVIDE FOR ME FINANCIALLY THEN WHAT?!”

I mean I was completely pissed!
HE ALWAYS provided for me. ALWAYS.

I’ll never forget Gregg coming alongside me asking me if he could help financially. I was horrified lol. Exactly ZERO part of me was ok with that. It was completely unfamiliar… and felt like a trap. One I wanted nothing to do with.

I don’t remember exactly but I’m sure I gave a very sharp reply at the time… and explained that that’s not how manifestation works and not how I work. LOL (omg this is a bit embarrassing to recount lol)

So 2-3 months later… same thing happening… $20k months… still no YES in my body to go manifest it. To go create it. NOTHING can interfere with manifesting $. NOTHING.

YET something clearly was. I was lost.

….

The second time he asked me I said yes while I bawled. He just held me. This man knew something I did not.

He knew what it was to PROVIDE for a woman.
He knew what it meant to HOLD her in his provisions.
He knew what it was to PROTECT her from her own self-sufficiency.

But I knew nothing of this.
It was so friggin unfamiliar to my entire system that I couldn’t see God was answering my prayers.

I could ONLY SEE the answer if it was something familiar.
If my business produces a shocking amount of money out of nowhere.
If checks came in the mail in the amounts of hundreds of thousands from the craziest stories.
Refunds.
Free things.

A MAN PROVIDING FOR ME?
The only association I had with that was “trapped”… he will use it to gain power over me and manipulate me.

God was healing me and I was putting up the FIGHT OF MY LIFE. lol

…

And ONLY Source could have created such magic for Gregg and I.
Gregg had only known providing without being shown any gratitude for it and being taken advantage of through it.

I had only known someone wanting power over me or using me for my provisions.

And just like that… 1 mile away from each other… God brought us together and we began to heal.
He was asking me to BE PROVIDED for by a man with a pure heart who loves me.

And he was asking Gregg to provide for a woman who would endlessly appreciate his efforts… and would use the provisions to grow and heal rather than use them for superficial advancements.

WOHHHHHHH.
Who would have thought that we COULD BOTH heal from this major change in both of our lives. I mean Gregg was already providing almost 6 figures for his CS and alimony. To take on this responsibility must have felt almost crippling. Yet he said yes to his guidance without pause. AND I REALLY MEAN WITHOUT PAUSE.

It has taken time for him to trust in GOD and not just himself to provide… and he’s still working on the energy of trust VS do… but that’s what MY ALLOWING HIM TO PROVIDE did FOR HIM. It brought him closer to God.

And that’s what me allowing him to provide for me did for me… it deeply and profoundly healed parts of me I never knew were broken.

And this lesson has changed me forever.
GOD’S WILL FIRST. always.

Because my BEST and brightest… most savvy thinking falls so insanely short of God’s brilliance. God’s never-ending LOVE that comes in the exact form needed… RIGHT ON TIME, always.

Deep inside I desired to feel like a valuable woman… who a loving and SAFE… powerful man wanted to take care of.

I would NEVER experience that while fighting to self-provide.
I needed the season of not being able to in order to break my stubbornness.

It always makes perfect sense looking back lol.
So today… I ask myself… what deep longing am I pretending doesn’t exist while I focus on getting the thing I think will make me feel how I want to feel?

I let go of every single thing I think I need and go within.
Who do I feel called to be?
How do I long to FEEL?

And then I say YES to however God wants to create that.
Whewwwww!!!!
I feel utter relief at how much drama I will now avoid HAHAHAHA. And now I get to have BOTH. Ahhhh!

I love you.
m

Letting go of the chase for awakening

Nov 15, 2024 | Spiritual Growth

I’ve recently had the most unnerving realization.
It’s one I’ve never ever heard anyone speak of… and it’s been a very strange feeling to navigate.

Through some extreme circumstances… I had 2 major spiritual awakenings. I didn’t know what was happening at the time but there is nothing else I know to call it but that.

And in these awakenings, I was also led to a spiritual practice that just keeps the floodgates open. I really could see the pathway to awakening. I could see the environment needed, the habits needed, and the incredible discipline needed. I could feel the call to let it allllllllll go. (You know what I mean ya?)

Eating sattvic helped.
Peace and quiet around me helped.
Stillness helped.

And I walked this path deeply for 2 years.
Until one moment it all changed.

I prayed often that God would remove anything that didn’t belong in my life that wasn’t his will… a scary prayer. But I meant it.

Maybe it would be money? Maybe Gregg? Maybe my free schedule? It was an open prayer and all was on the chopping block.

But I could have NEVER anticipated what came next.
Never.

It all of a sudden was the most obvious thing in the world lol.

I was asked to let go of the “awakening” search.
I was asked to eat meat again to ground.
I was asked to keep up with daily demands more powerfully.
I was asked to speak from the heart online again.
I was asked to “come back down to earth” and do everything with excellence.

I realized that figuring out how to awaken was great but that I don’t have a monk’s life… I have a lot of amazing people in my world who need me to be grounded, on point and strong… not flowing around in the ethers.

At first, I was sad. I thought it was so stupid lol.
Do all this to finally understand then let it go?! Whattttttt?!

And then a wave of love came over me.
I choose love. That’s all this is.
The lure of unending joy and no more suffering was loud. And in the seeking I found it more and more and more.

And now it’s time to serve fully and wholeheartedly again.

The blunt realization:
I’m a mother & a fiance in a world full of abuse and toxic people. I’m an initiator and an activator.

I can see the need for my grounded, overflowing presence which is different than my floating self.

I choose to actively love rather than chase the next levels of awakening.

And just like that, love wins and I realized there was no loss at all. That was the illusion.

Ego death & helping those you love

Oct 31, 2024 | Spiritual Growth

Recently I’ve been manifesting outgrowing the toxic parts of my ego… and man, I had no idea how incredibly liberating and painful that journey would be.

For those who have been following… you know I’ve been stuck on this for quite a couple of years now… “I did not come to teach you. I came to love you and love will teach you.”

Obviously, as an online teacher and coach that stopped me right in my tracks… and has been a never-ending source of description to the world I lived in…

Then I got feedback from the family that I press too hard.

Tough feedback.
And at first I felt like… “Well that’s just who I am… I push when it’s needed… I did make millions doing just that.” Only to FINALLY be able to recognize that THAT WAS the voice of my ego pushing for an identity.

I direct other’s growth.
It’s WHO I AM.

BAM. Busted.
Ego needs validation of value.
THAT is not who I AM. Not even almost.

So who would I be if I wasn’t the one directing other’s growth?
The one waking people up.
Bluntly & unceasingly confronting the insanity around me…

My ego mind shot back… “You’d be a self-absorbed, lazy nothing.” lol…

But my Soul said… “You’d be a woman honoring the greater plan.”

Damn…

I’m not the director of growth for those around me in my energy field… that’s just who I’ve chosen to identify as to be sure I am being someone who is valuable to others… when the truth is I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S BEST FOR ANYONE, only God does. Only them and their soul knows.

SO… then…. if my job is not to “teach and awaken” others… what am I here for?

GOLD!
I know every single time I reach the whole “WHAT’S THE POINT OF ANYTHING THEN” place… I’ve reached the end of my ego.

It’s a VERY uncomfortable place to be… walking on day 2 where you can see your unhealed, ego ways but can’t see how to be different yet. (I know you know what I mean)

Where you can see the stress you may have caused to your loved ones but don’t know how you could have done it any differently yet? Blah. Ya. That.

And if you don’t know what I mean… time to dig deep and tell a much deeper truth about what’s actually happening in your world… (but you already knew that).

So I cry.
I accept day 2 pain.
I thank God endlessly for showing me the truth and waking me up.
I put myself in other’s shoes and try to understand how I’ve missed the mark with them.
I get more feedback.
I cry. I thank Divine for endless Grace and forgiveness…

and I listen for the newness I’m being called into.

I watch for the shame and guilt that beckons me into its blackness… and do anything but go into it… watch TV, cry, walk, meditate, journal, cook… whatever… so long as I breathe through this part.

It doesn’t help anyone to be self-focused on my own failures.
And I remind myself it’s not a failure at all… how could it be?

OUR BEST IS ALWAYS ENOUGH.
Especially when that feels 0% true.

How can we expect to grow rapidly, awaken and realize all the ways we missed the mark if we judge ourselves for not having already known it every time we awaken!! That’s a broken system… and we will run in circles if we allow it.

Say it with me:
I trust the Divine wisdom in others to guide them on their path.
I release control and allow more and more peace and ease to flow through me into our home.
I hold space with love no matter what I think should happen… no matter how I think it should go, no matter when I think it should happen.
I honor my energy by releasing what I think I need to control and focusing on my inner guidance to be an example of trust.
I trust that true growth happens when I step back, allowing others to evolve in their own time and way.
I am a peaceful presence, holding space for growth and transformation, TRUSTING the DIVINE wisdom to lead others where they are meant to go.

I’m with you

mandy

#morningLOVErant

Aug 27, 2024 | Spiritual Growth

I can’t believe I get to do this whole human thing…
I mean… what were the chances I’d be able to be born a human and do this?????

What an incredible gift!
I’m so blessed that I can’t even begin to comprehend it…

I choose to feel God’s love pouring through my veins.
I choose to feel the UNENDINGNESS of the LOVE… the countless ways I am loved… the extraordinary possibility of drawing nearer to this LOVE… ahhhh!

I see my children in their greatness and imagine God’s love and protection in and around every cell in their body.

I see my parents well and their souls soothed. I see all the possibility that lies before them.

I feel rest in my soul.
I feel ease in my steps.
I feel power in my words.
I feel awe and wonder at every live creature…

and I feel my soul’s yearning for oneness being fulfilled.

I feel the closeness of this force of love & I tap into it effortlessly.

I feel the oneness and it overwhelms me with awe.
I feel the vastness of this galaxy and I feel my energy expand to the farthest reaches of it all.

I feel grounded.
I feel stable.
I feel willfully led to the greatest good of all.

I love who I am.
I feel grateful to be ME.
I feel grateful for who I am becoming.

I love life.
I love doing life as me.
I love doing life with the people in my life.
I love doing life with God!

I remember what matters.
My priorities are in order.
I effortlessly release all that doesn’t belong.
But of course… how could I not?

I let go of the need to understand it all and act in faith.
I release all ties that I’ve outgrown… all behaviors that cannot come with me.

I breathe joyfully through any pain and tension that comes along and easily remember that it is just a sensation in my body and doesn’t mean anything at all.

I love this life!!
I love this journey… and all that comes with it.

Today I choose to enjoy this gift to its fullest no matter what sensations and thoughts come my way…

Today I choose to act in alignment with my highest self regardless of the pull to habitual behavior.

Today I let it be easy.
Today I let go of any story that it’s hard lol.

Today is the best day of my whole lifeeeeeeee!!
And so it is.

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