Protecting through self-sabotage in health????

Protecting through self-sabotage in health????

Jan 13, 2025 | Divine Health

This morning I prayed for restoration in my health… and full exposing of all holding me back. I declared it as I woke up in pain from sitting yesterday creating all day.

I felt an even deeper birth of knowing that my words hold all the power needed to heal. Deeper and deeper we go into God’s power.

And just like that within the hour – all of a sudden I could see the mischief playing out. From the sexual assaults in my life to being drowned in the tub and men being obsessed with me… to being told harm should come to me so I would lose weight… full circle trauma.

I could all of a sudden see how I’d chosen to protect myself through making sure I wasn’t too desirable. How reconnecting with my body in a way of powerful self-care in this physical way felt like letting them all win.

Gotcha!
Lies lies lies.
They currently still feel VERY true but I can see it plain as day, they’re not.

I cried and let it all out and started journaling…

> What am I afraid will happen if I focus on my health and body now?
> What would feel unsafe about embracing fitness consistently?
> What do I need to feel safe and loved as I take small steps forward?

I am reclaiming my rights to divine health after so many years of trauma.
I’m claiming my x7 back everything that was taken from me.

Say it with me:
I am done letting fear run the show. Fear has tried to protect me, but it’s been lying to me. It told me I wasn’t safe in my body, but that’s not true –
I am safe in my body. My body is my home. My body is mine. It’s not here for anyone else to judge, harm, or objectify.

Fear told me that if I let go, I’d lose myself, but I see now that holding onto fear has only kept me small. Letting go doesn’t make me weaker – it makes me stronger. I can release fear and still hold my power. I can let go of the lies and still stay safe.

I don’t need fear to protect me anymore. I have wisdom now. I have strength now. I have boundaries now. I trust myself to see clearly and to take care of myself.

Fear told me that focusing on my body would make me vain, shallow, or disconnected from God, but that’s a lie. My body is a sacred gift. It’s not separate from my spirit – it’s an expression of it. Taking care of my body doesn’t pull me away from my path – it helps me walk it with energy, strength, and joy.

Fear told me I couldn’t trust myself. That if I became too radiant, too alive, too magnetic, I’d lose control. But that’s not true either. My beauty, my radiance, my magnetism – they are MINE. They don’t make me vulnerable; they make me powerful. I am the one who decides who gets to access my energy, my light, my presence.

Fear told me that if I heal, if I let go, then the people who hurt me win. But I see now that holding onto pain doesn’t protect me – it chains me to the past. Letting go is not giving in. Letting go is freedom. Letting go is my way of saying, ‘You don’t get to control me anymore’.

I am safe. I am whole. I am free to move, to heal, to thrive. Fear doesn’t get to define me anymore. I define me. And I say that I am worthy of peace. I am worthy of energy. I am worthy of vitality. I am worthy of love.

I am not what happened to me. I am not what was said to me. I am not the lies fear tried to sell me. I am power. I am healing. I am everything I need to be right here, right now, and I am only getting stronger.

And
So
It
Is

Longing to serve

Longing to serve

Jan 10, 2025 | Spiritual Growth

I long to serve with every ounce of my strength…

I yearn to LOVE in a way that is free of self-preference and self-preservation.

…. And that takes physical, emotional and spiritual strength.

It means eating well.
It means working out daily.
It means strong relentless boundaries with toxic people.
It means praying and protecting myself every morning before I pray for others.

… facing the toxic vanity culture we live in and choosing to not participate.

It means standing beside powerful, extraordinary humans and not comparing.

… choosing to train my children so we have a peaceful family life.
… keeping my commitments.
… and doing what I can now, today, this moment.

It means going the extra mile in my own home.
The extra mile taking care of myself…
My family.
My home.
My personal space.
And my partner.

It means shifting from trying to get everyone on my timeline and getting on theirs.
It means looking for opportunities to help.
It means seeing them in their greatness and endlessly reflecting it back to them.

IT MEANS NO COMPLAINING.
No going into the fear.
No giving into the temptation that promises relief… and gives chaos.

It means to get still.
Listen.
And obey.

It means remembering every waking second that my true strength comes from God… and doing my best to align my powerful WILL to God’s as I walk.

It means remembering that LOVE is the teacher, not me.
It’s remembering LOVE is a verb.
It’s remembering that being able to LOVE is an incredible honor and gift that brings deep joy in the end.

And every day I see myself strengthen in this new way just a little.
And a little bit more.
And a little bit more.

It’s a dream come true.

Freedom in grieving

Freedom in grieving

Jan 9, 2025 | Spiritual Growth

Sometimes I just grieve.
Grieve the broken families.
The kids suffering.
The loss of innocence in our culture.
I feel it so deep in my bones…

And I let myself feel it all and cry, ache and break.

And I feel the deepest yearning I’ve ever felt inside… wishing I could create a safe space for everyone… an INNOCENT place for everyone.

And I wonder… what’s the point of this?
And I’ve spent many years sitting with this and studying those who have found peace with it all.

And yesterday in my yearning I realized….
>mind blown<

The enlightened masters did just that.
They either created a massive awakening or a safe place of innocence and peace! (or both)

I now understand where that drive came from… and then I feel so soooo inadequate. So small. So clueless.

And I know I’m not the only one daydreaming of taking their kids to the country where they can run the land and connect with God away from tiktoc and all the insanity imprinting.

But THIS place right here… this is it.
THIS is the place where we decide.
This is where we sub come to the pain and desperation or we decide we’re going to bring God’s light in our own mind and energy field, in our home, in our relationships and in the world.

And there are no prerequisites.
There are no disqualifications.

Every single thought I think that causes me to feel that desperation is a lie from evil. Our own ego, maya or the satanic force, and the collective influence that has grown.

I either opt in or I do not.
I can grieve and acknowledge I have a story that it should all be different, more innocent and whole… and I can feel my feelings and remind myself of the truth.

And “the truth shall set you free”
Which means…….. I find the truth by finding what thoughts bring FREEDOM. NOT THE REVERSE.

I don’t have to go find freedom.
I ACKNOWLEDGE IT.

And everything else is just mischief.
So… today I will allow myself to grieve and tell myself the truth about what lies I’ve been buying into… and face it all….

BUT I CHOOSE FREEDOM.
I feel.
I tell the whole truth.
I acknowledge the BS that feels like confusion and death.
I then decide…
and it is my decision alone to wallow and believe it’s all too much, too horrible and too big… I can believe the thoughts…

OR I CAN ACKNOWLEDGE FREEDOM… by telling a deeper truth that only my spirit can feel. My SOUL directs my brain… not the other way around.

There’s zero scenario where my brain is smarter and gets it all better than SOURCE. lol

So…. I choose freedom.
Again.
Again.
Again.
Again…….

And I’ll never stop rewiring my brain to get on board.
I’ll never stop facing the lies and calling them out.
I’ll never stop reaching for freedom, life and like-minded humans that are here to do God’s work.

And I’ll never ever, EVER believe the lie that I can’t make a difference through God’s power.

Say it with me:
“I’m here to be a reflection of God’s love and there’s zero chance my brain will ever stop me. I now declare and decree perfect alignment with my original design! Thank you God for molding me to be a perfect reflection of you in every area of my life… no matter what it takes.”

And so it is.

Manifesting a man to provide for me…

Manifesting a man to provide for me…

Dec 5, 2024 | Abundance mindset

I’m learning to allow myself to have BOTH, the man who provides for me and my own wealth…

So… I always held the frequency that I always make more money. The end… and so I did.

I held the frequency that I make it rapidly. Like makes-no-sense rapidly. And so I did. I went from my first month coaching making $4k to $40k the next month. I never did $10k months.
And I simply kept increasing from there until I had an $82k DAY.

And this all made sense to me in my own little world. lol
I surrounded myself with others doing the same.

UNTIL… one day I found myself in a very painful and uncomfortable place… without recognizing what was happening.

I met Gregg and I had essentially lived the last year off of all the built-up payment plans… and it was now starting to decrease… $60k months… $50k… $40… $30…

And every time I went to go do my magic I just froze.
I didn’t want to.
The burst of endless energy wasn’t there.

And I remembered what my mama had taught me.
God gives you the grace to do what he asks you to do.
When it’s removed HE removed it.

Obviously, I had a major temper tantrum about this… I was so confused. “OK GOD… IF YOU AREN’T GOING TO PROVIDE FOR ME FINANCIALLY THEN WHAT?!”

I mean I was completely pissed!
HE ALWAYS provided for me. ALWAYS.

I’ll never forget Gregg coming alongside me asking me if he could help financially. I was horrified lol. Exactly ZERO part of me was ok with that. It was completely unfamiliar… and felt like a trap. One I wanted nothing to do with.

I don’t remember exactly but I’m sure I gave a very sharp reply at the time… and explained that that’s not how manifestation works and not how I work. LOL (omg this is a bit embarrassing to recount lol)

So 2-3 months later… same thing happening… $20k months… still no YES in my body to go manifest it. To go create it. NOTHING can interfere with manifesting $. NOTHING.

YET something clearly was. I was lost.

….

The second time he asked me I said yes while I bawled. He just held me. This man knew something I did not.

He knew what it was to PROVIDE for a woman.
He knew what it meant to HOLD her in his provisions.
He knew what it was to PROTECT her from her own self-sufficiency.

But I knew nothing of this.
It was so friggin unfamiliar to my entire system that I couldn’t see God was answering my prayers.

I could ONLY SEE the answer if it was something familiar.
If my business produces a shocking amount of money out of nowhere.
If checks came in the mail in the amounts of hundreds of thousands from the craziest stories.
Refunds.
Free things.

A MAN PROVIDING FOR ME?
The only association I had with that was “trapped”… he will use it to gain power over me and manipulate me.

God was healing me and I was putting up the FIGHT OF MY LIFE. lol

…

And ONLY Source could have created such magic for Gregg and I.
Gregg had only known providing without being shown any gratitude for it and being taken advantage of through it.

I had only known someone wanting power over me or using me for my provisions.

And just like that… 1 mile away from each other… God brought us together and we began to heal.
He was asking me to BE PROVIDED for by a man with a pure heart who loves me.

And he was asking Gregg to provide for a woman who would endlessly appreciate his efforts… and would use the provisions to grow and heal rather than use them for superficial advancements.

WOHHHHHHH.
Who would have thought that we COULD BOTH heal from this major change in both of our lives. I mean Gregg was already providing almost 6 figures for his CS and alimony. To take on this responsibility must have felt almost crippling. Yet he said yes to his guidance without pause. AND I REALLY MEAN WITHOUT PAUSE.

It has taken time for him to trust in GOD and not just himself to provide… and he’s still working on the energy of trust VS do… but that’s what MY ALLOWING HIM TO PROVIDE did FOR HIM. It brought him closer to God.

And that’s what me allowing him to provide for me did for me… it deeply and profoundly healed parts of me I never knew were broken.

And this lesson has changed me forever.
GOD’S WILL FIRST. always.

Because my BEST and brightest… most savvy thinking falls so insanely short of God’s brilliance. God’s never-ending LOVE that comes in the exact form needed… RIGHT ON TIME, always.

Deep inside I desired to feel like a valuable woman… who a loving and SAFE… powerful man wanted to take care of.

I would NEVER experience that while fighting to self-provide.
I needed the season of not being able to in order to break my stubbornness.

It always makes perfect sense looking back lol.
So today… I ask myself… what deep longing am I pretending doesn’t exist while I focus on getting the thing I think will make me feel how I want to feel?

I let go of every single thing I think I need and go within.
Who do I feel called to be?
How do I long to FEEL?

And then I say YES to however God wants to create that.
Whewwwww!!!!
I feel utter relief at how much drama I will now avoid HAHAHAHA. And now I get to have BOTH. Ahhhh!

I love you.
m

Letting go of the chase for awakening

Letting go of the chase for awakening

Nov 15, 2024 | Spiritual Growth

I’ve recently had the most unnerving realization.
It’s one I’ve never ever heard anyone speak of… and it’s been a very strange feeling to navigate.

Through some extreme circumstances… I had 2 major spiritual awakenings. I didn’t know what was happening at the time but there is nothing else I know to call it but that.

And in these awakenings, I was also led to a spiritual practice that just keeps the floodgates open. I really could see the pathway to awakening. I could see the environment needed, the habits needed, and the incredible discipline needed. I could feel the call to let it allllllllll go. (You know what I mean ya?)

Eating sattvic helped.
Peace and quiet around me helped.
Stillness helped.

And I walked this path deeply for 2 years.
Until one moment it all changed.

I prayed often that God would remove anything that didn’t belong in my life that wasn’t his will… a scary prayer. But I meant it.

Maybe it would be money? Maybe Gregg? Maybe my free schedule? It was an open prayer and all was on the chopping block.

But I could have NEVER anticipated what came next.
Never.

It all of a sudden was the most obvious thing in the world lol.

I was asked to let go of the “awakening” search.
I was asked to eat meat again to ground.
I was asked to keep up with daily demands more powerfully.
I was asked to speak from the heart online again.
I was asked to “come back down to earth” and do everything with excellence.

I realized that figuring out how to awaken was great but that I don’t have a monk’s life… I have a lot of amazing people in my world who need me to be grounded, on point and strong… not flowing around in the ethers.

At first, I was sad. I thought it was so stupid lol.
Do all this to finally understand then let it go?! Whattttttt?!

And then a wave of love came over me.
I choose love. That’s all this is.
The lure of unending joy and no more suffering was loud. And in the seeking I found it more and more and more.

And now it’s time to serve fully and wholeheartedly again.

The blunt realization:
I’m a mother & a fiance in a world full of abuse and toxic people. I’m an initiator and an activator.

I can see the need for my grounded, overflowing presence which is different than my floating self.

I choose to actively love rather than chase the next levels of awakening.

And just like that, love wins and I realized there was no loss at all. That was the illusion.